IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard on their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

#countries #people #leisure #time #pressure #work #studies
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There is no doubt that having some
leisure
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time
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 during studying reenergizes the brain to continue working efficiently.
However
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,
students
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 in some countries are under extreme burden to
study
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 hard and
therefore
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, they have minimal
leisure
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time
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. The possible reasons for
this
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 trend
as well as
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 suggested solutions will be discussed in detail. One possible reason for
students
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 to face a lot of
pressure
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 to work hard on their education with no
time
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 off would be the high cost of education.
For instance
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, expensive courses put a financial burden on families and
students
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 which forces the
students
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 to try hard to complete these courses successfully and quickly.
As a result
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, these
students
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 ignore the need for some spare
time
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 and focus on their
study
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 work. Another possible reason would be the amount of
study
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 materials which is becoming extensive for a short semester.
Consequently
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,
this
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 strain leaves no choice for
students
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 except to
study
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 as hard as possible to be able to finish
this
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 material on
time
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.
Thus
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, it is obvious that these
students
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 have no
time
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 left to have some
leisure
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 activities.
However
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, some solutions could be suggested to help solve
this
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 problem. One possible solution would be reducing the cost of educational courses in these countries by government funding. By doing
this
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, both the
students
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 and their families would have less financial
pressure
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 and
therefore
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 the
students
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 could be less stressed during their studies which might enable them to have some free
time
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. Another solution would be
study
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 groups, If
students
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study
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 in groups,
then
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 each one of the group members could summarize part of the curriculum and share it with the rest of the group.
This
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 would save a lot of
time
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 for all of the
students
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 in the group and as a ,result the amount of
pressure
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 would be reduced. These suggestions could help the
students
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 to have some
leisure
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time
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 which is important for them to stay focused. In conclusion, there are many reasons that put the
students
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 in some countries under stress and
pressure
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 to
study
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 hard and leave them no
time
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 for
leisure
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 activities,
however
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, the above-suggested solutions could tackle
this
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 problem and allow the
students
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 to have some
study
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 free
time
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 which is essential for them to recharge their energy.
Submitted by keramatparia on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally clear, but there is room for improvement in providing a more balanced and structured argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are somewhat present, but could be expanded and strengthened to provide a more comprehensive overview of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well supported with relevant examples and explanations. Good use of cohesive devices throughout the essay.
task achievement
The response provides a clear and complete answer to all parts of the question. Ideas are mostly comprehensive and relevant, but could be further developed with more detail and depth.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • high expectations
  • academic success
  • future success
  • competitive nature
  • modern education systems
  • top grades
  • prestigious universities
  • high-paying jobs
  • rise of technology
  • social media platforms
  • physical activities
  • relaxation
  • extracurricular demands
  • multiple responsibilities
  • economic factors
  • lower-income families
  • part-time jobs
  • academic pressures
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