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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph compares the rate of smoking in men and women in Someland between the years 1960 and 2000. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the graph below. The graph compares the rate of smoking in men and women in Someland between the years 1960 and 2000. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the graph below.

The graph compares the rate of smoking in men and women in Someland between the years 1960 and 2000. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the graph below. The graph compares the rate of smoking in men and women in Someland between the years 1960 and 2000. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the graph below.
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The given line graph depicts smoking
rates
Use synonyms
 per 1000
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in
Someland
Correct your spelling
Homeland
. As an
overall
Linking Words
 trend,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 over the
40 year
Add a hyphen
40-year
show examples
 period, numbers in
men
Use synonyms
 have come down
whereas
Linking Words
 an increasing number of
women
Use synonyms
 have taken up the habit
Initially
Linking Words
, about 600
men
Use synonyms
 used to smoke in the early 60s.
This
Linking Words
 number
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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decreased to 500 in the
mid 70s
Add a hyphen
mid-70s
show examples
 and
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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continued to decrease to 400 in the early 90s and just a little below 300 by the early 2000s.
In contrast
Linking Words
 to
men
Use synonyms
,
rates
Use synonyms
 of smoking have tripled in
women
Use synonyms
 with about 100
women
Use synonyms
 smoking in the 1960 to about 300
women
Use synonyms
 by the
mid 70s
Add a hyphen
mid-70s
show examples
. But
this
Linking Words
 trend has seemingly changed with the numbers dropping in very small amounts ever since. By the year 2000, around 250
women
Use synonyms
 were recorded to be smoking. In conclusion, the early part of the century has seen a more extreme difference in
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
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amongst
Change preposition
between
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
. But by the 2000s, the
rates
Use synonyms
 of smoking between the 2 genders have come a lot closer than before. In total, the smoking
rates
Use synonyms
 have reduced considerably in a span of 40 years in both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sexes.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words rates, men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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