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Band 4

The internet will bring about a new freedom of information and so narrow the technology gap between developed and developing countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#internet #freedom #information #technology #gap #countries
Recently,
information
 which is new
freedom
 will be brought by
technology
 and it has become a popular topic. Many
people
 think it is worth discussing.
However
, they still have not come to an agreement with each other on whether
technology
 bringing new
freedom
 of
information
 zooms
gap
Correct article usage
the gap
show examples
 between
countries
 of developed and
countries
 of developing or not. Whatever each side of the argument thinks, I strongly agree with the idea that new
freedom
 of
information
 will provide a balance between
countries
 thanks to
technology
. There are a lot of reasons why I support
this
 idea.
To begin
 with,
technology
 is developing day by day.
Therefore
,
freedom
 of
information
 is possible.
This
 can lead to
people
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 many chances. Especially, it makes
possible
Correct pronoun usage
it possible
show examples
 for
people
 to communicate worldwide. What I mean is that whenever we want, we will reach any
information
.
In addition
, developing
countries
 will use the
information
 in developed
countries
 and improve their
countries
.
As a result
 of
this
, all
countries
close
Add a missing verb
are close
show examples
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in terms of development.
For example
, the Chinese want to set
space
Change preposition
up space
show examples
 places and they can use the
information
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Nasa which is an American and one of the most advanced
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
. What is more, free
information
 makes copyright laws harder to enforce, so it is harder to keep new
technology
 secret. A good example
this
Change preposition
of this
show examples
 is that all film platforms like Netflix or Prime
video
Capitalize word
Video
show examples
 are free to every
people
.
Moreover
, the government cannot censor them.
On the other hand
, the rest of the
people
 oppose my idea because they have some significant reasons for it. For one thing, nowadays only the rich can afford to access the Internet. Because of
this
, whole
people
 do not have the same status or salary, so many
people
 cannot
reach
Verb problem
access
show examples
 the
information
 for free. They can think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
 should balance between the rich and the poor
instead
 of
countries
 because every
people
 will not have free
information
.
For example
, most
people
 who live in the UK have the Internet compared to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
South Africa. Another reason is that computing skills are necessary to operate the Internet, so a new
technology
 gap develops
such
 as old and young
people
.
To sum up
, in spite of the fact that new
freedom
 of
information
 includes negative effects for
people
, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages
Submitted by ece.ozge on

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coherence cohesion
The essay's logical structure is weak and the introduction and conclusion are not clearly presented.
task achievement
The response is incomplete and the ideas lack clarity and comprehensiveness.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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