IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 9

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters(such as food, clothes, and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them.

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A group of individuals present the view that youngsters who are allowed to decide and choose their preferences on different subjects
such
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 as food, clothing and entertainment tend to put their own wishes above
others
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 in the future,
whereas
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others
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 believe that
children
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 should be allowed to decide on things which are associated with them. I wholeheartedly agree with the latter opinion as it plays a vital role in their growth process. On the one hand, some people justifiably believe that what
children
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 need is greater development which is accessible by being taught
as well as
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freedom
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. Not only does giving the chance to choose enhance their self-confidence but
also
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 it is a decisive factor in augmenting their prowess.
For example
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,
children
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 who are allowed to decide what they want to wear are more likely to excel at addressing a problem as they have to choose logically or emotionally.
Therefore
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, allocating
freedom
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 for
children
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 results in flourishing in their future.
On the other hand
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, another group of society argue that giving
freedom
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 to decide brings about being arrogant as these
children
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 are willing to consider their needs more important than
others
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.
However
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, I do not find
this
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 argument convincing since rarely does it happen that
freedom
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 through the parents' observation leads to arrogant
children
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 as they are taught that
others
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' needs are as substantial as theirs.
In addition
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, if they have an opportunity to experience dealing with different challenges, they will be more prosperous in the future.
For instance
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, youths who have asked about the destination of a trip feel more valuable and responsible for the consequences of that travel.
To conclude
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, in my view, teenagers should be allowed to decide as it has a crucial role in their development and nurture.
Moreover
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, parents should teach their offspring to consider every detail in their decisions and assist them to thrive.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Continue to structure your essays by clearly outlining your points in the introduction, developing them in the body paragraphs, and summarizing them in the conclusion for high-level coherence.
Task Achievement
Maintaining a clear stance throughout the essay strengthens your argument. Keep utilizing specific examples to support your ideas for optimum task achievement.
General Advice
Consider diversifying your vocabulary to avoid repetition and make your essay even more engaging.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, supportive body paragraphs, and a conclusive conclusion, showcasing an excellent command of coherence and cohesion.
Task Achievement
Excellent use of specific examples and logical reasoning to support your points, demonstrating a thorough understanding of the task requirements.
General Advice
You've presented a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument before stating your own opinion, which is a commendable approach.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Autonomy
  • Consequence-awareness
  • Self-centered
  • Informal decision-making education
  • Child development
  • Age-appropriate choices
  • Cognitive growth
  • Fostering independence
  • Parental guidance
  • Societal norms
  • Interpersonal consideration
  • Balance of freedom
  • Individualism versus collectivism
  • Experience-based learning
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