IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Youth drug abuse is a serious problem. What are the possible causes of this behavior? Do you have any suggestion to control that?

#youth #drug #abuse #behavior #suggestion #control
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Nowadays,utilizing drugs has become a serious error in modern societies. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss what are the causes of
this
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 treatment and I am going to illustrate some ways to control that problem.
Firstly
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, in
this
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 century, the percentage of using narcotics has increased sharply. There are lots of reasons for
this
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, but the important one is rising the earth's population which means that powers should face many challenges like unemployment, 2022 In Norway, researchers presented the latest statistics about jobless individuals in the world because it illustrated that 65% of the young members who have higher educational degree were vacant,
furthermore
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, neither they work with low salary nor work long hours than the normal average.
Therefore
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, these
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 of the nation
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 experienced a mental decline, in that way, they decide to
use
Use synonyms
 the drug so not only is it available everywhere but
also
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 it has a
very
Rephrase
much
show examples
 cheaper price than medicine like vitamins.
On the other hand
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,powers should manage
this
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 strangle. If they want to reduce the number of people who
use
Use synonyms
 narcotics they would have to change their policy method. In that way, governments have to lay the foundation for folks who searching for jobs for themselves with high salaries, States could increase drug prices like cigarettes and
on the contrary
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 decrease the sports centers' deposits because it causes the nation's psychology to become happy and healthier than past.
For instance
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, in 2020 Turkey state decided to
use
Use synonyms
 cigarettes in indoor places After that,the number of people who decided to break that bad habit increased rapidly. In conclusion, mental problems because of social errors like unemployment a major reasons to
use
Use synonyms
 drugs but powers can reduce
this
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 strangle regarding finding a good job for persons who need From my point of view, individuals who have a high percentage of wealth have less tend to
use
Use synonyms
 drugs.
Submitted by mehrdad.salahi2003 on

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General Improvement
To enhance your writing, consider varying your sentence structures more frequently to add rhythm and interest. This will make your essay even more engaging.
Accuracy Improvement
Pay attention to the correct use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') and plurals, as small inaccuracies can slightly distract the reader.
Coherence Enhancement
Consider integrating more linking phrases to smoothly guide the reader from one idea to the next, improving the flow of your essay.
Precision Improvement
Although your essay is well-structured, ensuring precise punctuation can further clarify your points and make your arguments more impactful.
Task Achievement
You have effectively addressed the essay topic, providing a clear and comprehensive response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay presents a logical structure, with a strong introduction and conclusion that frame your main points effectively.
Task Achievement
You have successfully employed relevant and specific examples to support your arguments, which enhances the persuasive power of your essay.
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