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Writing Samples
Band 6

the pie charts below show the spending of a school in the UK from 1981 to 2001

the pie charts below show the spending of a school in the UK from 1981 to 2001
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The pie graphs display the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
food
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products
Use synonyms
 in a particular supermarket that were sold in 2003 and 2013.
Overall
Linking Words
, buyers opted to purchase
protein
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products
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 more than
fruits
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 and
vegetables
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. The meat was the favoured
protein
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period,
while
Linking Words
 shoppers preferred
vegetables
Use synonyms
 more than
fruits
Use synonyms
. In 2003, the supermarket sold more
protein
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 (60%) than
fruits
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 and
vegetables
Use synonyms
, which was a combined 40%. The buyer preference between the three
protein
Use synonyms
 options was not that far, differing only a
percentage
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 point each, with meat (21%) leading y, followed by eggs (20%) and seafood (19%). As a product category,
vegetables
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
, did have the highest
percentage
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 among the five classes of
food
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 sold at 25%,
while
Linking Words
fruits
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 had the lowest
percentage
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 of sales at just 15%. A decade later,
overall
Linking Words
 percentages of
protein
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 and plant
products
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 sold remained the same at 60% and 40%, respectively, yet there were slight changes in each
food
Use synonyms
 category. Meat (25%) was still the preferred
protein
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 option, but it was
also
Linking Words
 the most purchased type of
food
Use synonyms
 in 2013. Seafood,
however
Linking Words
, was now the second favoured
protein
Use synonyms
 product,
while
Linking Words
 only 14% of the items sold in the supermarket were eggs. Despite a slight drop in
percentage
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, shoppers still bought more
vegetables
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 (23%) than
fruits
Use synonyms
 (17%).

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, overall, while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, food, products, protein, fruits, vegetables with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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