IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Today more people put personal and private information online to do everyday activities such as banking, shopping, and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development？

#people #information #activities #development？
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Nowadays, many people put personal and private data online to do daily actions
such
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 as online baking, online shopping and socialising. There are some negatives in
this
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 situation, but personally, I believe there more positives, and I will elaborate on them in
this
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 essay. On the one hand, today,
due to
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 our technological development, we can live more comfortably.
Moreover
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, in the past, we had to go to local markets and buy food.
Also
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, we must meet friends and folks and talk to each other in the past.
However
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, today, many communities do not go to markets because they
use
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 the
internet
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 and buy some foods.
For example
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, In South Korea, there is a lot of online shopping mall in the
internet
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, so numerous individuals can buy goods easily and deliver them to their home.
Furthermore
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, the majority of folks
use
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 online baking, which can send money to other people.
Finally
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, they can communicate with each other easily using social apps
such
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 as Instagram and Facebook, and they
also
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 find communities that have some interests.
For
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this
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 reason, technological advancement is a positive thing in our lives.
On the other hand
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, on the
internet
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, there is various information, so some folks want other people's data, so they decide to hack that data and
use
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 it for bad things.
For instance
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, In North Korea, they cannot earn money from other nations because of United Nations regulations. So, they often steal cryptocurrency on the
internet
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,
also
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 hack other county's banks and earn money.
Hence
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, they make many weapons but do not give them to their nations so they suffer.
Therefore
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, doing online actions has some negative things. In conclusion, I think doing everyday activities
such
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 as banking, shopping and socialising has pros and cons. It makes our life comfortable
conversely
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, some part is not. So, we should
use
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 it balance and be careful and always aware of the
internet
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, and that will keep our precious information.
Submitted by livewire53 on

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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