IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think high school graduates should travel or work for a period of time instead of going directly to study at university.Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of both approaches.Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowlegde or experience

There is an ongoing discussion about whether high school graduates should opt for travelling or join
internships
Use synonyms
 before enrolling in
university
Use synonyms
. The proponents of travelling suggest that travelling provides profound
experiences
Use synonyms
 that are essential for personal
growth
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 those in favour of
internships
Use synonyms
 believe that graduates can learn communication and interpersonal
skills
Use synonyms
 by working. Many monks and researchers have suggested that travelling is the best teacher in the world as it provides an opportunity to get out of the comfort zone and accept change by exploring new
experiences
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, Gautam Buddha travelled for a significant amount of his life.
While
Linking Words
 travelling, he learned and evolved by meeting new people and indulging in new things, resulting in an awakening of the higher self and personal
growth
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, graduates deciding to travel the world could benefit largely by gaining profound lessons that can assist them in having a content life.
However
Linking Words
, the major disadvantage of
this
Linking Words
 approach is that they might lose a year or more to travelling, which could result in a gap year in their academic journey that could impact their
university
Use synonyms
admissions
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, opting to go for
internships
Use synonyms
 could assist them in developing a strong CV or resume for
university
Use synonyms
admissions
Use synonyms
. Since work experience helps individuals to stand out from their peers, by working in a professional setting they are able to enhance their communication
skills
Use synonyms
 and interpersonal
skills
Use synonyms
 . These
skills
Use synonyms
 are very essential for career progression and colleges or universities prioritize students with
such
Linking Words
skills
Use synonyms
, as they are captivated by the genuine efforts of students to learn and grow.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 approach can not aid in the awakening of a higher self or teach profound lessons that can help an individual achieve personal
growth
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, travelling can provide new
experiences
Use synonyms
 that can help a student achieve personal
growth
Use synonyms
 but can result in a gap year in their academic career, which could negatively impact their
admissions
Use synonyms
 to a college or
university
Use synonyms
. By opting for
internships
Use synonyms
 they can build a strong resume which could positively impact their
admissions
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they can
also
Linking Words
 develop communication and interpersonal
skills
Use synonyms
 but they are unable to gain profound
experiences
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The introduction should clearly outline the main points you will discuss. Consider adding a sentence to indicate both sides of the argument for stronger clarity.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence, try using linking words like 'Firstly', 'Secondly', and 'Finally' to help guide the reader through your ideas more smoothly.
task response
Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and develops it fully. Adding more examples or details can strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, it might be better to restate the main points you discussed to show a clear overview of your arguments.
task response
You have presented both sides of the argument, which is a key requirement of the task.
task response
The essay includes relevant examples, such as Gautam Buddha, to illustrate your points, which is effective.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: