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Writing Samples
Band 6

The given graph shows the main sources of energy for USA in 1980 and 1990

The given graph shows the main sources of energy for USA in 1980 and 1990
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The graph illustrates the primary sources of
energy
Use synonyms
 in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 from 1980 to 1990
Overall
Linking Words
, it is noticeable that the oil had the highest percentage of
energy
Use synonyms
 in
both
Use synonyms
years
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the proportion of hydroelectric
power
Use synonyms
had
Verb problem
was
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 the lowest.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the percentage of coal and nuclear
power
Use synonyms
 increased in
both
Use synonyms
years
Use synonyms
, except
natural
Change preposition
for natural
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 gas and oil.
To begin
Linking Words
 with an oil, it accounted for 42 % in 1980 which decreased in 1990.
However
Linking Words
, it was the highest sources of
energy
Use synonyms
 in
both
Use synonyms
years
Use synonyms
. The figure for natural gas obtained , namely 26 % which
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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dropped to 1 % in 1990 (25).
However
Linking Words
, the proportion of coal
had
Verb problem
was
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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22% which rose gradually to 27% in 1990. With regards to hydroelectric
power
Use synonyms
, it accounted for 5 % and maintained the same level in
both
Use synonyms
years
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, it was the lowest source of
energy
Use synonyms
 over the period in question.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the percentage of nuclear
power
Use synonyms
 showed
significant
Add an article
a significant
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 increase, which became twice bigger compared to 1980 (10%)

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words energy, both, years, power with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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