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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The table compares the salaries of teachers in secondary and high schools in five countries in 2009.

The table compares the salaries of teachers in secondary and high schools in five countries in 2009.
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The table depicts the wages of teachers in initial and high schools in
Australia
Use synonyms
, Denmark,
Luxembourg
Use synonyms
,
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
Korea
Use synonyms
 in 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
 it is noticeable that
Japan
Use synonyms
 had more
years
Use synonyms
 to reach the maximum
salary
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 a Denmark lowest.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
Luxembourg
Use synonyms
 had the maximum
salary
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
Australia
Use synonyms
 smallest.
However
Linking Words
, all countries received a high
salary
Use synonyms
 after 15
years
Use synonyms
 and maximum ,except when they started work.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
Luxembourg
Use synonyms
 had the largest wage when they started , namely 80,000 which in three times bigger than
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
Korea
Use synonyms
, 34,000 and 30,000. Denmark had approximately 45,000,
while
Linking Words
Australia
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 only 28,000.
However
Linking Words
, after 15
years
Use synonyms
Australia
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 and
Korea
Use synonyms
 had a similar results, namely 48,000.
Japan
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 had roughly 65,000 which is 2 times smaller than
Luxembourg
Use synonyms
. With regards to the maximum,
Luxembourg
Use synonyms
 accounted for 132,000 which is two times bigger than a
Korea
Use synonyms
, roughly 62,000.
However
Linking Words
,
Luxembourg
Use synonyms
 was the country with the highest
salary
Use synonyms
 over the period in question.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Japan
Use synonyms
 accounted for 86,000 ,
while
Linking Words
Australia
Use synonyms
 maintained the same numbers in the final
years
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
Australia
Use synonyms
 had the lowest
salary
Use synonyms
 over the period in question

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the eighth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words australia, luxembourg, japan, korea, years, salary with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "roughly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the seventh paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the ninth paragraph.
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