IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What are the primary causes of this? What is the main effect of this?

#people #effect
Overweight is of concern in today's world. My essay seeks to look at some causes and effects of
this
 problem.
To begin
 with, lack of exercise is a primary factor. The most perpetuating reason
being
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 white collar careers which likely prohibit
people
 from being active.
For instance
, Ama Adomah my banker friend, has gained significant
weight
 over a period of 1 year of gaining employment. Her
lifestyle
 is sedentary as she spends several hours sitting to serve customers.
Also
, she barely is able to make time to engage in physical activities as she works for long hours and gets home late. Sadly, most
people
 are making money at the expense of their health. Next is poor eating habits. Most individuals have busy
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 schedule
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 makes it difficult for them to have time to eat healthy meals.
For example
, working as a doctor in Ghana, I spend close to 12 hours at work each day.
This
 has made it impossible for me to cook and eat at home. I mostly consume fast food to be able to keep up with
the
Change the word
my
show examples
 busy
lifestyle
. These fast foods are prepared for commercial purposes and mostly contain large quantities of fats and oils. Studies
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 proven a strong association between
weight
 gain and
high fat
Add a hyphen
high-fat
show examples
 consumption. Unfortunately, having a busy
lifestyle
 is making
people
 not capable of making healthy meal choices. Meanwhile, there are numerous negative effects of obesity. The prime of which is
development
Add an article
the development
a development
show examples
 of cardiovascular disease. The heart pumps blood around our bodies and
this
 pump doesn't work well in
people
 with huge body
weight
. Other important
health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
show examples
 issues linked to overweight are stroke, diabetes and hypertension.
People
 who gain so much
weight
 can develop
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
low
self esteem
Add a hyphen
self-esteem
show examples
to
Replace the word
too
show examples
.
To sum up
, there are several factors that can give rise to obesity, mainly
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle
 and poor eating choices. These
consequently
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
show examples
 to adverse health problems.
Submitted by nmaureen03 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: