IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries traditional food is being replaced by international fast food. This has negative effects on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, it is often argued that in many nations, the replacement of traditional diets by convenience
food
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 has certain
unfavorable
Change the spelling
unfavourable
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 impacts on both families and societies. I partially agree with
this
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 view because fast
meals
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 cause serious health problems,
although
Linking Words
 they
also
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 offer convenience in modern lifestyles.
To begin
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 with, there is no doubt that franchised international fast-
food
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 chains,
such
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 as McDonald’s and Pizza Hut, make modern life more convenient and enjoyable. They not only provide delicious dishes with a wide variety of choices, from fried chicken to Italian-style pizzas, but
also
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 serve them quickly without letting customers wait for a long time.
Furthermore
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, the
standardized
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standardised
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food
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 process makes the price affordable and
meals
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 easily accessible, and
as a result
Linking Words
, people of different ages are able to prepare it in different kitchen settings.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, excessively consuming processed
food
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 causes numerous health problems for individuals and society
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 the major components of it usually consist of many sugars and fats. To be specific, fast
meals
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,
such
Linking Words
 as fried chicken and bubble tea, have large quantities of saturated fats and sweeteners, increasing the risk of blood vessel blockage and leading to heart disease or diabetes.
Consequently
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, if most people choose internationally franchised quick
meals
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 rather than traditional
food
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, their families would have to pay more medical expenses once they are diagnosed with metabolic diseases, eventually putting tremendous financial pressure on the healthcare system.
To conclude
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,
while
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 fast
food
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 culture makes
meals
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 affordable and easy to prepare, I partially agree that
this
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 has more adverse effects as eaters may be more likely to have chronic diseases, which place
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
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 financial burden on families and societies.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start and keep it the same all through the essay.
task response
Add one more direct point about how families or society are hurt, not only health cost.
task response
Use examples that fit fast food better. Bubble tea may seem less exact than burgers, fries, or pizza.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a more smooth way between sentences and between body parts.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences have too many ideas. Split them to make the line of thought easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each body part starts with one clear main idea and all next lines support that idea only.
task response
You answer both sides and give your own view.
task response
Your ideas are mostly clear and stay on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and a clear end.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like To begin with, On the other hand, and To conclude.
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