Some people believe that professional workers such as doctors and teachers should be paid more than sports entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #workers #doctors #teachers #sports #entertainment #personalities

It is argued that professional employees should earn more than other entertainers. In my opinion, I agree with

this

notion because lecturers and

doctors

work harder than music artists and other

entertainment

personalities

. To Commence with, some sports

entertainment

personalities

such

as musicians,

athletes

Correct word choice

and athletes

show examples

have a positive impact on our society. To elaborate, by watching comedy and dramas some

people

can laugh and forget their sorrows which have a positive impact on their health.

For example

, researchers indicate that if

people

watch funny movies every day

then

it would

reduces

Change the verb form

reduce

show examples

the chances of suicides.

Thus

, some

entertainment

personalities

lead

people

to think

positive

Change the word

positively

show examples

and make their

life

Fix the agreement mistake

lives

show examples

stress free

Add a hyphen

stress-free

show examples

However

, I believe that

doctors

and tutors play a more vital role in

people

life

Fix the agreement mistake

lives

show examples

than sports

entertainment

personalities

. To achieve a professional degree a student needs not only

studying

Wrong verb form

study

show examples

hard but

also

have a wide experience or knowledge and so many other efforts but entertainers require only talent.

Moreover

, without

doctors

Add a comma

doctors,

show examples

people

cannot save their lives because

doctors

have the ability to treat patients to recover from illness and help them to escape from death.

Similarly

, mentors have the ability to educate learners to improve their knowledge and provide them

Add the preposition

with a

show examples

sufficient education by which they become good citizens.

To sum up

although

some entertainers have a positive impact on society but wages of professional workers should be higher because they sacrifice more.

Submitted by rajnibansal20194 on Sat Sep 16 2023

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task response

Ensure that you fully address the prompt by discussing the reasons behind your agreement with the notion. Provide more examples to support your points.

coherence cohesion

Your introduction and conclusion are present and clear. However, work on organizing your ideas within paragraphs to enhance overall cohesion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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11Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

231 words

4.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

Professional workers
Societal contribution
Scarcity
Market forces
Consumer demand
Role models
Economic impact
Revenue generation
Fair compensation
Social equity
Intrinsic rewards
Job satisfaction
Media rights
Merchandise sales
Public figures

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Some people believe that professional workers such as doctors and teachers should be paid more than sports entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

The rise of social media has affected personal relationships and society as a whole. Do the advantages of using social media for communication outweigh the disadvantage

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so?

Students leave highschool without learning how to manage money.Causes and solutions for this issues.

In many workplaces, online communication is becoming more common than face to face interaction. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Some people think that a huge amount of time and money is spent on protection of wild animals, and that this money could be better spent on the human population. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.