IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some school children buy healthy food from the school cafeteria. However, some buy unhealthy food. What are the reasons for both these situations? Should schools be allowed to sell unhealthy food?

While
Linking Words
 some
children
Use synonyms
 obtain healthy
food
Use synonyms
 in cafes within the schools, others prefer adverse snacks and drinks. People, and especially
children
Use synonyms
, get easily addicted to sugar and flavourings and
consequently
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, without strict control, feed themselves with trash
food
Use synonyms
.
However
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, authorities are in charge not only of the quality of education in institutions but
also
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 of maintaining a safe and healthy environment. Lack of parental control is the main reason for negligence of
this
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 issue.
Moreover
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, sometimes
illiteracy
Correct article usage
the illiteracy
show examples
 of adults, who are allowed to consume all types of
food
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 without regard to nutrients in the meal, is the origin of the problem.
For example
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, having snacks and soda for breakfast at home will urge the pupil to obtain a similar set for dinner as it is a routine for him.
In other words
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,
children
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 taught by parents to care about nutrition will most likely follow the regulations rather than those without an appropriate education. In tackling
this
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 problem society has to investigate the root cause as it was done with similar situations.
For instance
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, the trade of any smoking and alcohol products is prohibited within the strict distance in many countries over the World. The same healthy practices should be implemented at schools in regard to
food
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 provided there. The strict policies and procedures approved by the health department should be integrated and continuously monitored as the necessary factor to overcome possible negative effects on the health of the whole nation.
To conclude
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, as
children
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 have an opportunity to obtain unhealthy
food
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 at educational institutions there is a need for urgent measures. Applying
food
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 control measures would push the process towards a situation
that is
Linking Words
 beneficial for society on all scales.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure consistency in terms used throughout the essay to enhance clarity (e.g., 'cafes within the schools' could be maintained as 'school cafeterias').
Coherence and Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of linking phrases to demonstrate more sophisticated cohesion.
Task Achievement
Introduce more real-world examples that directly relate to the schools' context to strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Consider balancing both sides of the argument more evenly by discussing in more depth why some children choose healthy food.
Logical Structure
Excellent structuring of the essay with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and a conclusion.
Introduction/Conclusion Presence
Strong introduction and conclusion that clearly address the question.
Supported Main Points
Main points are well supported with reasoned arguments.
Clear/Comprehensive Ideas
Thoroughly covers the topic, providing a clear and comprehensive explanation of the issues.
Relevant/Specific Examples
Effective use of relevant examples to support your argument.
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