IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.
#bar #changes #percentage #people #australia #town
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The bar chart shows the rate of
Correct your spelling
individuals
indivuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 born in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 residing in urban, rural and town during the years 1995 and 2010
Overall
Linking Words
, the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
reside
Wrong verb form
residing
show examples
 in urban
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
rises
Wrong verb form
risen
show examples
 dramatically.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, more and more
people
Use synonyms
chooses
Change the verb form
choose
show examples
 to reside outside rural
areas
Use synonyms
. In
Use synonyms
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
 1995, the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 who born in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and living in cities was about 50% which was rose in
Use synonyms
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
 2010 to almost 65%,
while
Linking Words
 the
Use synonyms
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
 residing in
towns
Use synonyms
 are dropped from 20% to approximately 18% in the
year
Use synonyms
 2010.
Linking Words
Likewise
Add a comma
,Likewise
show examples
 we can see the drop in the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 living in rural
areas
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 in the
year
Use synonyms
 1995 almost 50% of the
people
Use synonyms
 who born in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and
resides
Wrong verb form
resided
show examples
 in
rurals
Correct your spelling
rural
areas
Use synonyms
 which
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 dropped in the
year
Use synonyms
 2010 to
near by
Correct your spelling
nearby
show examples
 18%
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. The data for
non Australian
Add a hyphen
non-Australian
show examples
 shows that
people
Use synonyms
prefers
Change the verb form
prefer
show examples
 to live in
cites
Correct your spelling
cities
show examples
instead
Linking Words
 of living in
towns
Use synonyms
 and rural area as in the
year
Use synonyms
 1995 nearly 60% of the population resides in Cities,
whereas
Linking Words
 15%
in
Add a missing verb
were in
show examples
towns
Use synonyms
 and 40% in rural
areas
Use synonyms
. For the period of
2010
Add a comma
,2010
show examples
 the number has been inclined to 80% for cities,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
 these numbers
remains
Change the verb form
remain
show examples
 almost
Correct article usage
the
show examples
same for
people
Use synonyms
 in
towns
Use synonyms
However
Linking Words
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 dropped for
people
Use synonyms
 living in rural
areas
Use synonyms
 as it comes to under 20%
Submitted by preet0408man on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words australia, people, areas, year, towns with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 3 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographics
  • urbanization
  • migration patterns
  • population distribution
  • percentage points
  • growth rate
  • decline
  • trend analysis
  • socioeconomic factors
  • infrastructure development
  • rural exodus
  • census data
  • lifestyle changes
  • residential patterns
  • immigration policies
  • emigration
  • natural increase
  • birth rate
  • settlement patterns
  • push and pull factors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: