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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows numbers of incidents and injuries per 100 million passengers miles travelled (PMT) by transportation type in 2002.

The chart below shows numbers of incidents and injuries per 100 million passengers miles travelled (PMT) by transportation type in 2002.
#numbers #incidents #injuries #million #passengers #miles #pmt #transportation #type
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The chart illustrates the
number
Use synonyms
 of
injuries
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 and
incidents
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 per 100
million
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 passengers on five different types of transportation ( commuter
rail
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, heavy
rail
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, light
rail
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,
bus
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 and
demand
Use synonyms
 response) in 2002.
Overall
Linking Words
,
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
incidents
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 and
injuries
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 were reported
on
Add a hyphen
on-demand
show examples
demand
Use synonyms
 responses,
while
Linking Words
 the lowest
number
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were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 reported for commuter
rail
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.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the
number
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 of
incidents
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 per 100
million
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PMT
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 was always more than that
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 one for
injuries
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. The highest
number
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 of
incidents
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 and
injuries
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was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
belonged to
demand
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 responses with 225 and 173 per 100
million
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PMT
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,
while
Linking Words
 the lowest
number
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was belonged
Change to the active voice
belonged
has belonged
show examples
 to commuter
rail
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 with
approximately10
Correct your spelling
approximately 10
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
 less
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
demand
Use synonyms
response
Fix the agreement mistake
responses
show examples
 with 20 and 17 per 100
million
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PMT
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 respectively. The people who were travelled by
bus
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 were the ones who exposed to
second
Correct article usage
the second
show examples
high
Correct word choice
highest
show examples
 rate of road accidents with 76 for the case of
incidents
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 and 66
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
injuries
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. In the case of light
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rail
Add a comma
,rail
show examples
 the
number
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 of
incidents
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 was similar to the one of
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bus
Correct article usage
the bus
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 the
number
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 of
injuries
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 was almost two
third
Correct your spelling
thirds
show examples
 in comparison with
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bus
Add an article
the bus
a bus
show examples
. Heavy
rail
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 was the second
safe
Correct word choice
safest
show examples
 type of transportation with almost 50
incidents
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 per 100
million
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PMT
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 and 35
injuries
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 per 100
million
Use synonyms
PMT
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by shima.majidansari on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, injuries, incidents, million, rail, bus, demand, pmt with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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