In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
There are various cultures in the world, in some
cultures
younger Add a comma
cultures,
people
are often encouraged if
they Correct word choice
apply
work
hard they can
gain anything. Verb problem
apply
This
behavior
can Change the spelling
behaviour
give
positive and negative impacts Verb problem
have
to
Change preposition
on
children
's development and I will explain in
Correct pronoun usage
this in
this
essay.
On the one hand, younger people
who have narrated that if they make a bigger effort can gain anything they want could create positive behaviors
for their character. In some cases, Change the spelling
behaviours
children
do not easily give up when facing difficulties because they perceive hard work
can bring them success. In addition
, when they grow up they could become more resilient people
. They perceive life very optimistically as long as they try hard enough so they will quickly move forward when having failures.
On the other hand
, advising children
to have the concept that working hard can achieve anything can affect their mental health and character. For example
, some children
who have nurtured
to do hard Add a missing verb
been nurtured
work
all the time to reach their success,
can become stressed if they do not do what they want. They may perceive Remove the comma
apply
if
their effort is not enough or Correct word choice
that
the
worst case they can blame themself for their failures and Change preposition
in the
impact
on their mental health. Correct article usage
the impact
Additionally
, when they become adults they have a tendency to do anything in a negative way to achieve their goals. For instance
, they might do gratification for the authority in order to win their project.
In conclusion, there are some consequences both positive and negative by teaching children
that they can achieve anything if they work
hard. This
concept can make people
more resilient and persistent in their life but it can bring bad effects such
as blaming themselves if they have failures. Therefore
, as adults we have to teach children
the concept wisely for a better life in the future.Submitted by misstiasclassroom on
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coherence cohesion
While your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that reflect your overall position, there is room for improvement in the logical flow within your body paragraphs. Consider using more cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences to guide the reader and make your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task, providing both advantages and disadvantages. Nonetheless, the depth of your analysis is somewhat limited, and the ideas would benefit from further development with more varied and specific examples to illustrate your points effectively.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.