IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
The amount of food and liquid
products
 are manufactured with a high rate of
sugar
.
Moreover
,
this
 affects many health problems.
However
, I totally agree that
sugar
products
 must be created at more expensive prices to encourage folks to consume less
sugar
.
Firstly
,
sugar
 items should be more expensive because it benefits a lot of things.
People
 will buy stuff with less
sugar
. By reason of that folks will not be able to buy an expensive product so they will buy less
sugar
products
 which is less expensive.
For instance
, my friend Mike likes to eat
sugar
 sweats because it contains 50 grams of
sugar
.
However
,
while
 Mike is buying
this
 product every one of those days, he feels sick, and it becomes clear that he has diabetes.
Additionally
, Mike was buying
this
sugar
-sweetened product because it was cheaper than the bottle of water. In fact, the companies of food and drink makers should change the prices from cheaper to expensive, so
people
 can avoid all types of high-
sugar
products
 and be saved from health problems.
Secondly
, the other reason for the increased rate of
sugar
 must be expensive: which is making
people
 sleepy after consuming high levels of
sugar
.
This
 is because after consuming it and kidneys of the body will be shocked. What did I mean by
this
?
For example
, on Ramadan month were all fast and wait approximately 11 hours to start eating.
However
, if someone eats high levels of
sugar
 after fasting directly through the kidneys the person will feel he's lazy and sleepy. In any case,
this
 is why
sugar
products
 should be made more expensive to avoid high amounts of
sugar
 at home.
Finally
, meanwhile
sugar
 items are expensive
people
 will be encouraged to consume less
sugar
.
Submitted by hamoudisayyah on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Expand on the arguments to provide a more complete and comprehensive response to the task.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Ensure that the essay has a well-structured introduction and conclusion to improve coherence and cohesion.
lexical resource
The choice of vocabulary and phrasing could be improved to enhance the lexical resource. Use a wider range of vocabulary and expressions to articulate the ideas effectively.
grammatical range
Work on using a more varied sentence structure, and pay attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: