IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that zoos are cruel and should be closed down. Others, however, believe that zoos can be useful in protecting wild animals. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#people #zoos #animals
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Nowadays, it is argued that a lot of
people
 think that
zoos
 should be closed down
due to
 the
conditions
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
there,
while
 others feel
otherwise
 because of the reasons for protecting
animals
. In
this
 essay, I will explore the causes of
people
 who are against
zoos
 and explain the benefits of safeguarding
animals
 with a personal opinion that supports the latter point.
Firstly
, I will explain the negative sides of being away from natural habitats for
animals
, and
secondly
, I will consider
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
show examples
 results of capturing
animals
 from wild and cruel
conditions
. First and foremost, the
animals
 which are in
zoos
 are away from their natural habitats.
As a result
, their psychology
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 suffered
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
this
, and they are more likely to
seem
Add the particle
seem to
show examples
 forget their identity. Because of
this
, they cannot do duties, which are given by birth, and
this
 affects their emotions in a terrible way.
For instance
, there was
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
news about captured
animals
 in
zoos
, and it suggests that the lion, which is a king of forests in normal
conditions
, pretended like a cat
with
Change preposition
while
show examples
 doing some acts, which belong to cats’ attitudes.
Then
, vets studied
on
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apply
show examples
that lion, and their verdict about the situation was that its mind
has
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 been suffering from not seeing another lion, and because of
this
, it started to identify itself
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 a cat.
On the other hand
,
animals
, which are in
zoos
 can be protected from the dangers of wild
conditions
, which end with extinction. In the natural habitats of
animals
, there are so many challenges for living.
However
,
zoos
 give adequate food, and it is
Correct article usage
a peacefully
show examples
peacefully
Change the adverb
peaceful
show examples
 area for them.
For example
, there are so many
animals
, which in danger
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 not existing,
live
Correct word choice
and live
show examples
 in better
conditions
 in
zoos
. There are so many
people
 who feel that
zoos
 are products of
people
 who lack empathy, whilst others think that
animals
 are safeguarded from so many dangers by
zoos
. In my opinion, in
this
 modern world, the best way to keep
animals
 away from dangerous results,
such
 as extinction is
capturing
Change preposition
by capturing
show examples
animals
 in
zoos
.
Submitted by barisberkay97 on

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task response
The essay does not fully address the task requirements and lacks clarity in presenting comprehensive ideas. The arguments are not well-developed and fail to provide a balanced discussion of both views.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Additionally, the logical structure is not well-maintained, leading to a lack of coherence and cohesion in the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • animal welfare
  • conservation
  • captive breeding
  • habitat
  • ethical issues
  • zoochosis
  • endangered species
  • genetic diversity
  • reintroduction programs
  • wildlife education
  • sanctuary
  • natural living conditions
  • artificial environments
  • behavioral enrichment
  • ecosystem
What to do next:
Look at other essays: