IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. Discussion both views and give your opinion.

#scientists #people #health #junk #food #education #work #discussion
Excessive amount of
junk
food
 really affects our health badly in the long term, as proven by research. In my view, I agree that the public should be acknowledged of the negative effects of fast
food
, so they will lower their daily intake of fast
food
 and prevent
further
 harm. On the one hand, most
people
 only eat what they desire. It's rare that
people
 choose what they will eat thoughtfully. The reason behind
this
 phenomenon because they might not fully perceive if the body can respond negatively to certain foods, especially
junk
food
. So, the resolution of
this
 problem will be educating
people
 and the one who will be in charge is the government.
Therefore
, a person
that is
 already aware of the disadvantages of having
junk
food
 every day, might lower their consumption of it.
For example
, a person who has learned how the body works might have less fried
food
 than other
people
 who don'
t
 know the pitfall of having fast
food
, simply because they know how horrible the effects of consuming it
.
Add a missing verb
are.
show examples
On the contrary
, some believe the educational information about
junk
food
 doesn'
t
 reduce the amount of
people
 that eat over-processed meals. They think that education will do nothing unless they have greater motivation and willingness to implement the educational theory in their life.
For example
, several
people
 can'
t
 control their daily intake of
junk
food
 and have an uncontrollable addiction to fast
food
 even though they already
acknowledged
Wrong verb form
acknowledge
show examples
 that it can damage their health.
To sum up
, having enough information about how over-processed
food
 affects our body horribly, will more likely help us to decrease our desire to eat it than those that don'
t
 have the knowledge at all.
Submitted by matcha on

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Language
Use formal language and structure for a more academic tone.
Structure
Ensure a clear introduction and conclusion are present in every essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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