IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

#people #children #phones #school #minutes
While
 some people argue that
children
 shouldn't use their mobile
phones
 in
school
, others think that usage of mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 should be free.
This
 essay will discuss both
side
Change to a plural noun
sides
show examples
 of the argument and give my opinion
why
Change preposition
on why
show examples
 mobile
phones
 should be banned
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 improve
focus
 and bring success
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 educational life. On the one hand, parents don't want to send their
children
 to
school
 with electronic devices
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 improve
child's
Correct pronoun usage
their child's
show examples
 social skills. Apart from educational parts, schools are one of the most important places for
develop
Change the verb form
developing
show examples
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
 social skills,
such
 as empathy, friendship, and trust, during their break.
However
, when they have a mobile phone, they isolate themself from
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 and spend
time
 on social media during
free
Correct pronoun usage
their free
show examples
time
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 loose interaction with their colleagues.
On the other hand
, parents want to reach their
children
directley
Correct your spelling
directly
 whenever they want, especially in
emergency
Add an article
an emergency
show examples
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
.
Childs
Correct your spelling
Children
show examples
whoes
Correct your spelling
who
 go to middle and primary
school
 don't feel comfortable
to speak
Change the verb form
speaking
show examples
 about money and health issues with their friends or teachers. When they face with
diffucult conditons
Correct your spelling
difficult conditions
 in
school
,
for example
,
lost
Wrong verb form
losing
show examples
 their money or
forget
Wrong verb form
forgetting
show examples
 about their pills, they want to communicate with their parents. For that reason, families want to mobile devices as
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 information channel. In my opinion, mobile
phones
 main reason to
distrupt
Correct your spelling
disrupt
distrust
 people's
focus
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
cause
Wrong verb form
causing
show examples
fail
Replace the word
failure
show examples
 in their
carier
Correct your spelling
careers
 later on.
Children
 should learn to stay
in
Change preposition
focused
show examples
focus
 for long hours
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
otherwise
 it is hard to build that skill after high
school
 and mobile
phones
major
Add a missing verb
are major
show examples
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
show examples
 in
focus
 distraction. In
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
this
 essay
argued
Wrong verb form
argues
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 idea of restriction of mobile phone usage during
school
time
. In my view, all electronic devices
included
Wrong verb form
including
show examples
phones
 should be banned during
school
time
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
create
Verb problem
give
show examples
 people
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 ability to work for long hours and achieve
succesfull
Correct your spelling
successful
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
.
Submitted by airbender on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Minimize
  • Distractions
  • Prohibit
  • Cyberbullying
  • Inappropriate
  • Encourage
  • Social interaction
  • Educational apps
  • Safety tool
  • Emergencies
  • Responsible use
  • Balanced approach
  • Restrictions
What to do next:
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