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Writing Samples
Band 5

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The graph below illustrates the procedure used to make
sugar
Use synonyms
 from
sugar
Use synonyms
cane
Use synonyms
. In general, it is clear from the diagram that there are 7 steps from growing
sugar
Use synonyms
cane
Use synonyms
 to drying and cooling
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the entire process can be divided into two main parts by the places, farmland and factory. The first part happens on the farm,
initially
Linking Words
,
sugar
Use synonyms
cane
Use synonyms
 is required to grow for 12 to 18 months,
after
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, the farmer harvests them by himself or by machine.
Then
Linking Words
 the
sugar
Use synonyms
cane
Use synonyms
 is taken to the factory. The first thing in the factory is crushing, which makes the canes convert into juice.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the juice will be purified by a limestone filter,
this
Linking Words
 is the fourth part of the whole method.
Next,
Linking Words
the juice will become syrup
due to
Linking Words
 heating in the evaporator. After ,that the
sugar
Use synonyms
 will separate from
syrup
Correct article usage
the syrup
show examples
, which is called
centrifuge
Add an article
a centrifuge
show examples
.
Lastly
Linking Words
, all we need to do is dry and cool the
sugar
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is the whole procedure of making
sugar
Use synonyms
 from
sugar
Use synonyms
cane
Use synonyms
.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 70%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sugar, cane with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • manufacturing process
  • sugar cane
  • harvesting
  • transporting
  • factory
  • crushing
  • extracting
  • juice
  • filtering
  • impurities
  • heating
  • evaporating
  • syrup
  • boiling
  • crystallizing
  • sugar
  • separating
  • drying
  • packaging
  • distribution
  • stage
  • process
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