IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some poeple say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in thie free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on thier own. ' Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#poeple #parents #children #part #group #activities #thie #time #thier
Although
 a few people express their opinion that parents should motivate their offspring to take participation in
an organized
Correct the article-noun agreement
organized team activities
an organized team activity
show examples
team
 activities,
self occupying
Add a hyphen
self-occupying
show examples
 is a crucial thing for
children
 to learn.
This
 essay will discuss both these views and argue in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of the prior. First of all,
children
 should be encouraged by their parents to take part in
team work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
. Social
bond
Fix the agreement mistake
bonds
show examples
 can be built among
team
 members so that it could help them in building a great human network eventually it will help in building a better future.
Moreover
, It creates a chance to communicate with others
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 can share our opinions and feelings.
For example
, I was an introvert when I was in
my
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
college, to
make
Verb problem
become
show examples
 more extrovert myself I started participating number of
team
 gatherings so that I could be a
team
 worker and public speaker.
However
, less part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society thinks that
children
 should
educate
Wrong verb form
be educated
show examples
how
Change preposition
on how
show examples
 to occupy themselves on their own. Being alone allows
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
 brain to think sharply and creatively.
Furthermore
, If
children
spends
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
time
 alone, they can unlock
ultimate
Add an article
the ultimate
show examples
 potential to consume
vast
Add an article
a vast
the vast
show examples
 amount of knowledge because of
time
 availability and will not get influenced by anyone.
For instance
, My friend wants to spend his
time
 alone so that he can live his life as he wants by not getting influenced by anyone. In my opinion, participating in
an organized
Correct the article-noun agreement
organized team activities
an organized team activity
show examples
team
 activities make
children
 more and more
confortable
Correct your spelling
comfortable
 in public and they can reach a new height in their personal and social life.
To conclude
, though few people think
guardian
Fix the agreement mistake
guardians
show examples
 should motivate
children
 to participate in
team
 gatherings in their free
time
,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
some of them think giving
time
themselves
Change preposition
to themselves
show examples
 is
pivotal
Correct quantifier usage
more pivotal
show examples
 than anything,
Submitted by nikhiljulurin85 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: