IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

In many places, people’s lifestyles are changing rapidly, and this affects family relationships. Do you think advantages of such developments outweigh the disadvantages?

#places #people’s #lifestyles #relationships #developments
Globally, many families are living different lifestyles and in many ,cases there are some interactions between members of the family. In today's essay, I am going to shed light on how
this
 phenomenon may bring fewer disadvantages than good ones. Let me take an example by looking at the positive side. In the past our ancestors when they went long distances for some reason had to return home to communicate or see their family. Yet people are far from their house, thanks to developed technology they are able to talk with family.
In addition
, they not only communicate, but
also
 they can pay payments to children by being in another country.
Consequently
, let's say they can travel or work freely without worrying about expenditures, or payments to family.
On the other hand
, living modern world is difficult and it may be able to bring some negative impacts on their family. As for some information which I know nowadays, people want to have more responsibilities themself.
For example
, get extra work or add more houses in the working place.
Due to
 its more pressure, they cannot spend their time with a family ,especially with children and because they are busy or lack time to cook. So cooking meals is becoming a problem for them.
Therefore
 they prefer to buy fast food for children and
this
 could cause some diseases
such
 as heart illness and obesity. In conclusion, in large a part of the world people are struggling with fixed lifestyles. In my opinion, because of lots of work in the workplace and lack of attention to the family.
Submitted by Mr. Big on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay lacks clarity in presenting and supporting ideas. The logical structure needs improvement, and the examples provided are not very relevant to the topic.
coherence cohesion
There is a need for better organization and coherence in presenting the ideas. The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, and the main points need to be connected more effectively.
lexical resource
The essay lacks variety in vocabulary and the choice of words can be improved. There are instances of inaccurate word usage and awkward phrasing.
grammatical range
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including verb tense inconsistencies and incorrect word order. There is also a lack of sentence variety and complexity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • geographic separation
  • economic advancement
  • technological advancements
  • face-to-face interactions
  • egalitarian structures
  • gender roles
  • traditional roles
  • work demands
  • financial stability
  • access to education
  • healthcare
  • cultural shifts
  • traditions
  • cultural identity
  • family heritage
What to do next:
Look at other essays: