IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In
this
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 day and age, many young individuals want to be hired for a few years between school and university. In my opinion, I think it might bring both advantages and disadvantages for students who do
this
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. The following essay will discuss it.
Firstly
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, taking a job helps people have better finances. When having free time,
instead
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 of staying at home or playing games, they can go out and make more money so that they can spend it purchasing their necessary or favourable things without taking money from their parents.
Therefore
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, it
also
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 makes them become more independent and helps reduce the burden on their parents.
For example
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, today almost all students in universities often work in many coffee shops or eateries for about 5 or 6 hours or more every day.
Then
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 they can use it to pay rent, buy food or sometimes give a gift to their family.
However
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, having a job after school, people can meet some difficulties. They do not have much time to relax or hang out with their friends, they spend all their time studying and working. So they can be stressed and it easily leads to mental illness.
For instance
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, after school, many young people often work as shop assistants or waitresses in restaurants or stores until 24 o’clock.
Then
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 they will come back home and have a meal with tiredness but the next morning they have to wake up early to continue their life. Because of study and work pressure, many individuals suffer from depression or health problems. In conclusion, taking a job is a very good opportunity for the young to improve their finances and life skills,
however
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, between schools and universities, they can be under pressure which leads to some bad problems for their health.

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coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to set up the main points that will be discussed. Additionally, try to avoid repetition and ensure each point flows naturally to the next. For example, vary the sentence structures to avoid making the essay feel monotonous.
task achievement
The essay could use a bit more elaboration on each point to strengthen the argument. More examples and details will help to provide a deeper understanding of the advantages and disadvantages discussed.
task achievement
Your essay provides a well-balanced discussion of some key advantages and disadvantages of taking a job between school and university. You’ve managed to clearly present both sides of the argument, which is excellent for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has good coherence overall, with each paragraph focusing on a clear main idea. This makes it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
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