IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is not fair. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#sports #professionals #money #people #professions
Nowadays, every child becomes professional soccer or cycling because you can earn a lot of
money
 and you can do
this
 dreamin' a job. In ,fact, successful sports professionals can earn more
money
 than in other important professions,
such
 as engineering or medicine. In
this
 essay, I will explain why some
people
 think is fully justified
while
 others think it is unfair and I will give my points of view.
On the other hand
, I believe that it’s very beautiful to do a professional sport for many reasons,
,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
first
Add a comma
first,
show examples
 you can earn
money
 having fun and you can improve your lifestyle because
to have
Change the verb form
having
show examples
 a medic or dietitian that helps to keep in the truck. Unfortunately, many
people
 disagree because professional soccer players earn a lot of
money
,
above all
 in Qatar and
this
 creates some problems.
For instance
, there are other important professionals
such
 as cardiologists who help
people
 who suffer from heart problems, which they aren’t paid very well and in my ,opinion is very wrong because they save a lot of
people
.
Furthermore
, in ,Italy some professions aren’t paid and
this
 creates
a high prices
Correct the article-noun agreement
a high price
high prices
show examples
 in ,fact young
people
 come to another country to have a good wage.
In addition
, some
people
 especially young
people
 believe that it’s right that professional soccer have all they have all those privileges.
To sum up
, professional athletes have a great deal of
money
 as they have been trained to play sports competitions. Meanwhile, in my opinion, important
professions
Replace the word
professionals
show examples
 should receive well-earned wages for the reason that they provide their ability to society rather than the athlete who only entertain the audience
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 sports enthusiasts.
Submitted by afiorentino404346 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect of the topic and avoid repetition of ideas.
task achievement
Provide a clear and balanced discussion of both views in response to the prompt. Include more relevant examples to support your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial remuneration
  • exceptional
  • merit
  • talent
  • demand
  • entertainment value
  • career span
  • physical demands
  • justified
  • unfair
  • criticism
  • income inequality
  • societal priorities
  • sportsmanship
What to do next:
Look at other essays: