IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

People after retirement often require financial assistance. Should the government be responsible for this or should the individuals make provisions for themselves? Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Many individuals argue that
citizens
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 after
retirement
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 need financial assistance
due to
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 a reduction in
income
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. Others,
however
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, believe that individuals should be held responsible for their own financial situation.
This
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 essay will discuss both views, and I believe that the government should provide financial support for retired
citizens
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. On the one hand, there is often a significant reduction in
income
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 after
retirement
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 because many benefits and bonuses are only available to active workers.
For example
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, employees may receive performance-related rewards or safety bonuses during their careers, but these payments stop once they retire.
Although
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 retired
people
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 may receive pensions, these are sometimes insufficient to cover their daily expenses.
In addition
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, older
people
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 often face increasing healthcare costs, which can place a financial burden on them.
Furthermore
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, many retirees continue to support family members financially.
Therefore
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, I firmly believe that the government should provide additional
income
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 to ensure that elderly
citizens
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 can maintain a reasonable standard of living after
retirement
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.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 believe that individuals should be responsible for their financial future.
Citizens
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 can make plans before
retirement
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 by saving a portion of their salary or investing their money wisely.
In addition
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, some
people
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 may establish businesses,
such
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 as restaurants or small shops, which can generate
income
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 after they stop working.
As a result
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, they become less dependent on government assistance. Supporters of
this
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 view
also
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 argue that if fewer
people
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 rely on state benefits, governments can allocate more money to other sectors, particularly transportation, education, and public infrastructure. In conclusion,
although
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people
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 should make financial preparations before
retirement
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, not everyone is able to save enough money or run a successful business. Since businesses may fail and unexpected expenses can arise, I believe that governments should take responsibility for supporting retired
citizens
Use synonyms
 financially.

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task response
For task response, your answer is full and on topic. To get a higher score, add one more clear and real example for each side.
task response
For task response, your opinion is clear. Try to explain why government help is best in a deeper way.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, body, and end. To improve, make some links between ideas smoother, not only with words like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand'.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, most main ideas are supported, but some points are a bit general. Add one short detail after each main point.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion clearly.
task response
Your essay stays on topic all the way.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are in a clear order, and the conclusion matches the introduction well.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main focus, so the essay is easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial assistance
  • retirement
  • provisions
  • governmental pension plans
  • social security
  • welfare programs
  • financial literacy
  • private pensions
  • savings accounts
  • investments
  • economic stability
  • poverty line
  • safety net
  • personal responsibility
  • incentivizing
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