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Writing Samples /
Band 4

some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. others believe that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. discuss both the views and give your oiupnion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures #oiupnion
Some individuals claim that if
people
 want to enhance their
health
 and keep healthy, they should increase
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 number of
sports
 sections,
while
 others claim that it can
lowly
Rephrase
negatively
show examples
impacted
Change the verb form
impact
be impacted
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
public
health
. I support those who think that
people
 should do
sports
ans
Correct your spelling
and
 open new
facilities
.
This
 essay will discuss both points of view. One of the widely discussed
topic
Change to a plural noun
topics
show examples
 nowadays is that folk should less pay attention to
Add an article
the sport
show examples
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can badly affected
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their future .
Therefore
,
Add an article
the
show examples
public should have
another interests
Replace the adjective
another interest
other interests
show examples
Change preposition
besides
show examples
except
Add the preposition
except for
show examples
sports
 ,
such
 as
receive
Wrong verb form
receiving
show examples
education
 as it
the
Add a missing verb
is the
show examples
 most popular topic among young
people
 because without information in
Correct article usage
the brain
show examples
brain
Add a comma
brain,
show examples
people
 might be stupid. A primary example of
this
students
Add a missing verb
is students
show examples
 from India, who
payed
Wrong verb form
pay
show examples
attetion
Correct your spelling
attention
 to
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 and do not to
education
.
As a result
, they became
unemployment
Replace the word
unemployed
show examples
 because nowadays most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
jobs require
people
 who received
education
Correct article usage
an education
show examples
 in the past and do not
who doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
sports
.
However
,
this
 essay disagrees with
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 opinion that population
also
 young
people
 should
not
Rephrase
also not
show examples
 do
sports
due to
 the fact that it can negatively
affected
Change the verb form
affect
be affected
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
health
.
For instance
, if they do not do
sports
 in
leisure
Correct pronoun usage
their leisure
show examples
 time their body will be very weak which can
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to death.
On the other hand
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 claim that to develop folk
health
, they need to enhance the quantities of
sports
facilities
 as it can be very useful for
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
 generation as nowadays in most cities a lack of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
.
For instance
, if
people
 or
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
might
Verb problem
apply
show examples
open
this
Change the determiner
this facility
these facilities
show examples
facilities
 a majority of
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
 population might be
more healthy
Correct word choice
healthier
show examples
 and
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 avoid bad things,
such
 as alcohol, smoking and bad habits. Another advantage is that if
people
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
open
this
Change the determiner
this facility
these facilities
show examples
facilities
 , tourists from foreign
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 will come to try our
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
 and it might attract other
people
 to come and
try
Correct pronoun usage
try them
show examples
. A primary example of
this
 a travelers from Europe who came to try new
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 sections,
such
 as
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
 which
the
Add a missing verb
are the
show examples
 most popular kind of
sport
 among young
people
.
As a result
, after some months a love
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
sport
 among young folk enhanced and it progressively impacted on city's development. In conclusion,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 young public should be keen on
education
 and achieve success in
these sphere
Change the determiner
this sphere
these spheres
show examples
, but if they
will spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 more time on
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
facilities
 and if
people
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
open a wide range of
facilities
,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 view to
sport
Add an article
the sport
show examples
 of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation will be changed significantly as
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 example of
this
 the youngsters from the USA when
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 opened
themselvs
Correct your spelling
themselves
a new
Correct the article-noun agreement
new facilities
a new facility
show examples
facilities
 their motivation increased.
Submitted by aikumarbekarys on

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Task Response
Task Response: The essay partially addresses the prompt by discussing the two contrasting views, but fails to provide a clear opinion. The response lacks depth and fails to fully engage with the task.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, and the main points are not well supported. Additionally, the logical structure of the essay is weak and the ideas are not effectively connected. There is a lack of coherence and cohesion in the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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