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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary life is gaining popularity in the temporary world. What problems are associated with this? What solution can you suggest?

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The passive-action lifestyle is becoming popular among all people in the world.
Nevertheless
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, there are numerous gyms nowadays. One of the main reasons is that modern machines do a mass of activities
instead
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 of humans. I offer a solution for
this
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 problem, the government and employers should organize some activities like marathons and break time to avoid a sedentary lifestyle. In our service-oriented society, many members of society spend most of their time at the office sitting at work.
Furthermore
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, they come home and sit in front of the television or computer. Because labour-saving devices like washing machines and robot vacuum cleaners are performing household chores that were once done manually.
Moreover
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, online shopping and online banking have reduced consumers’ need to run errands in person. Before the advent of state-of-the-art technology, people were forced to move more.
Thus
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, one of the basic reasons is that technological devices take over many responsibilities once managed by human beings. Solving
this
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 problem requires a combination of individual and governmental efforts.
Firstly
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, the authorities ought to organize mandatory public marathons or similar public fitness events. It will be profitable for the flock.
Additionally
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, Employers can do more to promote physical activity at work. They need to give breaks to workers and install fitness equipment in break rooms for doing exercises in their workplaces. Because employees who sit at desks for eight to twelve or more hours a day increase their risk of developing conditions
such
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 as cancer, cardiovascular disease, and obesity.
Therefore
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, we can solve
this
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 issue with a collaboration of personal and governmental actions. In conclusion,
although
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 gyms are widely available, individuals continue to lead inactive lives
due to
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 modern conveniences and workplace demands.
However
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, with practical measures
such
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 as organized fitness events and fostering an active environment at work,
this
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 issue can be effectively mitigated.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to support your points, such as mentioning specific types of physical activities or detailing how marathons could be structured to encourage participation.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence, use clearer transitions between points to enhance the flow of your argument. For example, use phrases like 'Moreover,' 'In addition,' or 'Furthermore' to connect related ideas.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point of that paragraph. This will help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
task achievement
Your essay articulates the modern influence of technology on lifestyle choices clearly and concisely.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion that effectively summarize your points.
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