IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe it is important for cities and towns to invest heavily in building large outdoor spaces. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #cities #towns #spaces
Some
people
 have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
differing ideas about the importance of investing a large quantity of money in the construction of outdoor places or offices. I completely agree with
this
 statement
due to
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 huge benefits of
this
such
 as reducing anxiety and interacting with much more
people
 around. On the one hand, building a myriad of open
areas
 for the citizens of the country can waste the
areas
 which,
otherwise
, might be used for more important places like
the
Correct article usage
apply
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erecting
the
Correct article usage
apply
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hospitals or schools
that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 rather necessary for the population, especially the ones which has a small-scale territory.
Additionally
, there are, nowadays, more homeless
people
 around the world,
in particular
, in countries whose economy is poor
as well as
 not well-developed,
therefore
,
instead
 of allocating an area for
this
 kind of open
areas
Fix the agreement mistake
area
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, giving an opportunity for building a homeless shelters for these
people
 can be more preferable, some
people
 think.
On the other hand
, creating an open
atmospheres
Correct the article-noun agreement
atmosphere
show examples
 for
people
 can be a great stress reliever by balancing their anxiety or depression
as a result
 of their working overtime.
In particular
, the breadwinners who work in many jobs to satisfy their family's needs tend to get depressed very swiftly so
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 open air might be a great place to relieve their tensions.
Furthermore
, outdoor
areas
 serve as a place where
people
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 connect with their peers, which means that it helps them to be more open-minded and sociable in
real
Add an article
the real
show examples
 world, in my opinion. In conclusion, it is true to some point that outdoor spaces might own a massive territory which might be used for other valuable needs.
However
, they are much more important as a place to reduce stress levels of
people
, I think.
Submitted by mawka974 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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