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Writing Samples
Band 7

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Although
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 the status of
women
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 in society has changed dramatically, and an increasing number of them have occurred in the job market, most people still blame
women
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 when issues appear.
For example
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, the public put the reason of juvenile delinquency on
women
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.
Nevertheless
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, considering the reasons why young people commit crimes,
such
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 as family environment and imitative psychology, I totally disagree with
this
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 opinion.
Firstly
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, the fact that the family environment is one of the factors that influence young people indicates that
women
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 should not be criticized for
work
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. To be more specific, the family environment is not only about mothers but
also
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 fathers and other elements, and the responsibility to educate
children
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 should be
also
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 bearded by both
women
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 and men.
Therefore
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, when fathers go out to
work
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,
women
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also
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 have the right to
work
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.
In addition
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, some men with bad habits,
such
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 as drinking and smoking,
also
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 have a negative impact on kids.
Consequently
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,
women
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 going to employment should not be the culprit for the issues that adolescents experience.
Secondly
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,
women
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 should not be criticized for their
children
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 because classmates can
also
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 be one of the reasons for juvenile delinquency.
In other words
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, young
children
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 may perceive negative things as cool expressions and imitate them when they lack discernment. So when some classmates are doing bad things,
such
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 as skipping classes or committing crimes, they will
also
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 follow. And these behaviours cannot be supervised at home.
As a result
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, adolescent problems should not be simply attributed to
women
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 going to
work
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 without time at home. In conclusion, there are many reasons for the problems experienced by
children
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, and it is not just the mother's education.
Therefore
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,
women
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 have the right to
work
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 and should not receive criticism.

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task achievement
Make sure to state your position clearly in the introduction.
lexical resource
Review the use of punctuation, especially commas.
coherence cohesion
Introduce your main points clearly in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
Expand on your examples to provide more detail and support for your ideas.
lexical resource
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and more precise language.
grammatical range accuracy
Make sure to use appropriate verb tenses and sentence structures consistently.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • evolution
  • domestic roles
  • diverse professional engagements
  • dual-working parents
  • family dynamics
  • juvenile delinquency
  • societal and economic factors
  • dual-income households
  • childcare methods
  • community support systems
  • gender roles
  • family responsibilities
  • professional aspirations
  • development needs
  • correlation
  • simplistic causation
  • workplace policies
  • flexible hours
  • parental leave
  • gender equality
  • role models
  • successful womanhood
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