IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Nowadays, mandatory military service for men is a common practice in several countries after basic school education. There is an idea of expanding
this
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 to every country even for women. In
this
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 essay, I will argue against
this
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 statement and propose another way of supporting military forces. Despite the need to keep the
army
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 forces of every country with trained soldiers, I believe that forcing
this
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 on young
students
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 hurts their lives. The military environment usually is related to violence and emotional abuse. Indeed, based on a UN report, people who participated in the
army
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 are 50% more likely to have suicidal ideation compared with the rest of the population.
In addition
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, those violent memories can be fixed as future traumas that will impact society and have negative effects
in
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on
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 their communities.
Instead
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 of having the obligation to serve in the armed forces, offering the optional pathway for
students
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 who aim to have a future military career can have two positive aspects.
Firstly
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, young
students
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 who would like to
enroll
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enrol
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 and join a specific area directly could choose that as a career.
For example
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, in the Air Force
of
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in
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 the USA, many
students
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 would dream of being a pilot like in the movie Top Gun.
Secondly
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, those job positions have many benefits compared to regular careers.
For instance
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, tax benefits, housing accommodation, and travel support. In
this
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 way,
students
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 will be specifically motivated to join specific areas of the
army
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 understanding the challenges and advantages. In conclusion, having compulsory
army
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 training can be seen as a positive project.
However
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, I believe that
this
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 can only bring negative consequences and
instead
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, the training should be an optional career path done by each individual who is directly interested.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance logical structure, focus on organizing paragraphs so each one tackles a single main idea. This will help in maintaining a clear and concise argument throughout the essay.
task achievement
Make sure all main points within the essay are elaborated with specific examples or explanations, to strengthen the argument presented. Consider adding evidence or more concrete examples to support your claims.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the overall argument effectively.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, providing a comprehensive response to the task.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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