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Writing Samples
Band 5

The charts below compare five different countries, showing the electricity used (measured in megawatts or mw) in a typical hospital during one week, and also the number of emergency medical calls made by local residents during the same week. The last chart shows the average time (in minutes) spent on assessing emergency cases by hospital medical staff before the patient

The charts below compare five different countries, showing the electricity used (measured in megawatts or mw) in a typical hospital during one week, and also the number of emergency medical calls made by local residents during the same week. The last chart shows the average time (in minutes) spent on assessing emergency cases by hospital medical staff before the patient
#five #countries #electricity #megawatts #mw #week #emergency #residents #time #minutes #cases #staff #patient
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The charts show
electricity
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use
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, local emergency calls and time spent on patients for a group of typical hospitals. Regarding
electricity
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, we see that consumption in the French and Japanese hospitals is roughly stable during the week, fluctuating around 32 and 18
mw
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MW
 respectively. In Canada and
Russia
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,
electricity
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use
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 climbs dramatically towards the end of the week, going from 26 to 38
mw
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MW
 and from 12 to 24
mw
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MW
. In Argentina,
however
Linking Words
, the
use
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 actually
declines
Wrong verb form
declined
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 by almost half. There is a similar pattern in the number of emergency calls made, which
fluctuate
Correct subject-verb agreement
fluctuates
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 in France (around 90 calls) and Canada (around 110.) In
Canada
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Canada,
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 these calls rise by roughly half, from around 105 on Monday to over 160 on Sunday, with the figure in
Russia
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 showing a similar growth to 110 by the weekend. Argentina is again the exception, with a decline of about half.
By contrast
Linking Words
, time spent on patient assessment is generally stable during the week in all the countries except
Russia
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, where there is a marked rise from Monday’s 12 minutes (which is the typical daily rate of each country except Japan) to 28 minutes on Sunday. In summary, it seems that
electricity
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use
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 may reflect an increase in emergency calls made, but only in
Russia
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 does assessment time increase by the same pattern.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words electricity, use, russia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "declines" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stable" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "roughly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 4 times.
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