IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors.

#children #computers #entertainment #sports #part #pastimes #indoors
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In
this
 contemporary world, the young public
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 more
relied
Replace the word
reliant
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 on advanced gadgets and they show less interest
to take
Change preposition
in taking
show examples
 part in older methods of entertainment. These can make a child to be mentally and physically unfit.
This
 essay will discuss the problems that can
cause
Wrong verb form
be caused
show examples
 to
children
due to
 its usage and the solutions to tackle
this
 issue to an extent. To embark on, there are several demerits of spending time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 electronic devices by students. It can affect their physical health. To be more precise,
children
 who spend several hours
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
 are physically less active,
thus
 they are more prone to affect with
life-style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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 diseases
such
 as obesity and in the future they may
affect
Wrong verb form
be affected
show examples
with
Change preposition
by
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 diabetes and hypertension.
In addition
,
youngers
Correct your spelling
youngsters
show examples
 will be
in stress
Change preposition
stressed
show examples
 if they play any competitive games
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their gadgets and
also
Rephrase
apply
show examples
that leads them to be frustrated and have a negative insight
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 society.
For example
, many students
are
Wrong verb form
have committed
show examples
suicided
Replace the word
suicide
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due to
 the effect of
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 online game PUBG as reported by the UN.
Hence
, controlling
this
 situation is essential to protect
children
 from being unhealthy. Schools need to
be encouraged
Wrong verb form
encourage
show examples
 scholars to be involved in physical activities
such
 as cricket and football for adolescents and hide and seek games for pre-adolescents and toddlers, which will improve not only their health but
also
 they will able to understand how to be a part of a team.
Along with
 that parents should observe their child at home and make sure that their
children
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 using those devices only
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a limited period. To illustrate
this
, placing a computer in the hall will allow parents to check their child's activities. To recaptitulate, both teachers and parents should take more responsibility to encourage the young public to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in traditional methods of activities, which will make them
to be
Verb problem
apply
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less stressed and
improves
Correct subject-verb agreement
improve
show examples
 their health.
Submitted by ansamerrin987 on

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task achievement
Add a clear thesis statement at the end of the introduction.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Use more cohesive devices to improve the logical flow of your essay.
grammatical range accuracy
Proofread your essay for grammar and punctuation errors.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • dependent
  • computers
  • electronic entertainment
  • outside
  • sports
  • traditional pastimes
  • excessive
  • negative impacts
  • physical health
  • mental health
  • promote
  • overall well-being
  • play outdoors
  • read books
  • socialize
  • develop
  • balance
  • holistic development
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