IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many places, shopping is the leisure time activity for young adults. Why is it so? Do you think it is a negative or a positive development?

These days, many young adults spend so much time
on
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apply
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shopping and look at it as a hobby. There are many reasons why
this
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 is the case. Personally, I believe that
this
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 is a negative development
and
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, and
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 I will explain my reasons in the following paragraphs. In my viewpoint, one of the main reasons for
this
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 phenomenon is the variety of online advertisements which convince young adults to buy from them, which is a negative development. On the one hand, by purchasing a lot,
people
Use synonyms
 are wasting their money without noticing. Nowadays, it can be
seen
Verb problem
are
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 many online shops and because it is more convenient for
Use synonyms
people
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people,
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 they spend so much more money on online shopping than before
and
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, and
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 somehow it is a leisure activity for them. To some extent,
people
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 are becoming poorer and making big companies richer.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 waste their money on things they don't need
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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this
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 causes more damage to the environment.
For instance
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, they see their friends
bought
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have bought
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 something and they buy that stuff just to show them they are capable of purchasing everything they want.
Consequently
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,
this
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 leads to
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
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 so many non-recyclable materials
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 harms the environment.
Last
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 but not least, some
people
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 believe that by shopping excessively, they can increase their life quality and show others
their
Correct word choice
that their
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 life level is high.
To conclude
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, the rise of shopping should be viewed as a negative development and must be controlled by the government in order to keep the environment a safer place.

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improvement
Give more detail for each point and add one or two real examples to show your idea.
organization
Use a clearer order in each paragraph. Put one idea in one paragraph if you can.
grammar
Fix grammar and keep short, simple sentences.
strength
Your view is clear that shopping as a hobby can be bad.
strength
Intro and conclusion are present.
strength
You use linking words like On the one hand and On the other hand.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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