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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
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It is argued that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 non-academic subjects, like physical
education
Use synonyms
 and
cookery
Add the comma(s)
,cookery
show examples
 should
remove
Wrong verb form
be removed
show examples
 from
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
syllabus
Use synonyms
 so that
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 can concentrate on academic work because it
is
Verb problem
puts
show examples
 giving lot of pressure on young
people
Use synonyms
 to succeed
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
academic
Correct article usage
the academic
show examples
 sector.
However
Linking Words
, I
am completely disagree
Change the verb form
completely disagree
show examples
 with
this
Linking Words
 statement because
students
Use synonyms
 should
taught
Change the verb form
be taught
show examples
 all kinds of
education
Use synonyms
 to be successful
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
life
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
 argue that young
people
Use synonyms
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of tension to
successful
Add a missing verb
be successful
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
academically because there is
extra
Add an article
the extra
an extra
show examples
syllabus
Use synonyms
. I think
students
Use synonyms
 should taught
according to
Linking Words
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 wish and interest so they can be succeed
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
life
Use synonyms
. If there is not physical
education
Use synonyms
 and cookery some
students
Use synonyms
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not get
Add an article
a change
the change
show examples
change
Correct your spelling
chance
show examples
 to take their
interested
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
subject
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, if some
students
Use synonyms
 want to be cook and they want to be chef they can not if
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
syllabus
Use synonyms
 remove that
subject
Use synonyms
therefor
Correct your spelling
therefore
show examples
,
Use synonyms
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 system has to give
opportunity
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
show examples
 to all
students
Use synonyms
 to
take
Verb problem
apply
show examples
read and practice
according to
Linking Words
 their will.
In addition
Linking Words
, I think young
people
Use synonyms
 should not only succeed academically but
also
Linking Words
 need to
successful
Add a missing verb
be successful
show examples
 physically and practically.
For instance
Linking Words
, academic is only
use
Change the form of the verb
used
show examples
 for passing the exam not in real
life
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, my brother have passed BBA but he have no knowledge about how
do
Add the particle
to do
show examples
 business
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 real
life
Use synonyms
 and I have to
taught
Change the verb
teach
show examples
 him about
real
Add a hyphen
real-life
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 problems and how we have to do
costumer
Correct your spelling
customer
show examples
 service and take benefits
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 our hard
life
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
we should not remove physical
education
Use synonyms
 and cookery
subject
Use synonyms
 from
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
syllabus
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 we need to add more and more extra
Use synonyms
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 so all
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 get
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to be what they want to be in future.
Submitted by gelbu2021 on

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Introduction
The introduction should clearly state the writer's position and provide an overview of the main points that will be discussed in the essay.
Conclusion
The conclusion should summarize the main points and restate the writer's position.
Examples
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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