IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governmnents must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

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People are divided in their opinion regarding the government's investments, some people think that the government should invest in public
services
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,
instead
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 of
arts
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. I believe that spending on
arts
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 is not a waste of money and
arts
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 should be invested by the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
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government at the same level as public needs. On the one hand, art has a big importance in our lives, because it helps us to understand the world better.
Arts
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such
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 as
music
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 and theatre are an essential part of our culture.
For instance
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, listening to the
music
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 sounded by national
music
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 instruments may increase our sense of self-awareness, and help to understand some historical events.
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Moreover
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Moreover,
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 theatres are not only a builder of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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 and society,
Add the word(s)
but
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also
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 a source of earning money and
work place
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workplace
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 for millions, which can
also
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 inspire you for big openings.
On the other hand
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, public
services
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 are
also
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 important,
therefore
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 they
also
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 need to be invested. Public
services
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 including transport, healthcare and education are major parts of everyone's life. It is known to everybody that it is impossible to live without public works. Beneficial health care is needed in order to help society stay healthy,
whereas
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 qualified education is a fundamental thing for a bright future.
Also
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, public
services
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 are a massive source of employment. In conclusion, both public
services
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 and
arts
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 are meaningful aspects of our lives, so governments must fund them both.
Music
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 and theatres heal the soul and help to become a part of a society, that appreciates its ancients and history,
while
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 public
services
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 like health care and education not only heal you physically
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 keep you in form.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more thoroughly developed with further analysis and specific examples demonstrating the benefits of arts. You should also address the other side of the argument adequately by discussing why some believe investment in public services is more important. This would provide a balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
While there's a logical flow to your essay, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and the paragraphing can be improved to enhance the logical structure. Try to present each main idea in a new paragraph with a clear topic sentence followed by explanations or examples.
lexical resource
Be cautious with grammatical errors and the accuracy of word choices, as these can obscure your meaning or reduce the impact of your essay. Phrases such as 'builder of human and society' and 'earnings money and work place for millions' are incorrect or awkward. Work on accuracy and more sophisticated language structures.
grammatical range and accuracy
You demonstrate a range of structures, yet there are errors with verb forms and some awkward constructions. To advance your score, focus on using a variety of complex sentence structures accurately, and ensure that your sentences clearly express your ideas without errors that detract from the meaning.
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