IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to only be meant for adults. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes, and what solutions can be offered?

#children #diseases #adults #obesity #disease
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Being obese was once only a condition that adults suffered from, but it is
becomming
Correct your spelling
becoming
 more common in
children
.
This
 essay will first discuss how fast food and
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle are the primary causes of
this
 growing problem and
then
 outline how education and increased exercise are the most viable solutions. One cause of
obesity
 in
children
 is the increasing popularity of fast-food restaurants. Fast food usually contains an exorbitant number of calories because it is very high in fat and sugar.
In addition
, young people are living a more sedentary lifestyle. Nowadays, more
children
 choose computer games or social media over physical activity, so they are unable to burn the extra calories they are eating. It can be commonly seen in many
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 nations,
for instance
, that the number of
children
 who participate in after-school sports has dropped significantly over the
last
 decade. The best solution to
this
 problem of
obesity
 is to educate
children
 about the dangers of being severely overweight. If
children
 are more aware of the types of diseases associated with
obesity
, they might think twice before asking their parents to take them to the local burger restaurant.
Moreover
, schools should introduce more physical exercise into their curriculums. If
children
 take part in sports, the physical activity will allow them to burn calories and avoid weight gain. Schools where
children
 are required to participate in at least one team sport.
for example
, typically have lower
obesity
 rates. In conclusion, many
children
 are struggling with their weight because of eating too much junk food combined with a sedentary lifestyle.
However
, if
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 give
children
 enough information about the risks they are taking by doing
this
 and require
children
 to
take
Verb problem
do
show examples
 more exercise, the problem can be alleviated.
Submitted by gelbu2021 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Provide a clear thesis statement that states the main points you will discuss in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points further with more specific details and examples.
task achievement
Expand on the solutions section by providing more specific strategies and recommendations.
lexical resource
Rephrase and vary your language to improve lexical resource.
grammatical range accuracy
Use a wider range of complex sentence structures to improve grammatical range.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Obesity
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Prevalent
  • Genetic predisposition
  • Comfort eating
  • Screen time
  • Physical education
  • Nutritional education
  • Economic disparities
  • Food deserts
  • Subsidize
  • Advertising
  • Weight management
  • Junk food
  • Healthy food options
  • Physical activity
  • Body image
  • Counseling
  • Consumer education
What to do next:
Look at other essays: