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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in there different countries.

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in there different countries.
#proportion #population #countries
The given line chart provides the information of
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 population in percentages (People
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
aged 65 and over) in three particular areas:
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, Sweden and
Japan
 in the span of one century from 1940 to 2040.
Overall
, the data depicts an upward trend in those three countries.
In
Change the preposition
At
show examples
 the beginning of
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
,
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
is
Verb problem
had
show examples
 the largest population followed
Sweden
Change preposition
by Sweden
show examples
 and
Japan
.
However
,
Japan
 replaced that place
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the end of
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
, becoming the most dominant proportion
according to
 prediction. In 1940, around 9% elderly population lived in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 and
gradually
Correct determiner usage
this gradually
show examples
 increased year by year
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
reaching its peak at 15% in
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
1980 before
decreased
Wrong verb form
decreasing
show examples
 slightly
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 approximately 14% in
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
2020.
However
, the chart
predict
Change the verb form
predicts
show examples
 that
sudden
Correct article usage
a sudden
show examples
 increase will happen at about 23% in 2040.
In contrast
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Sweden experienced
gradual
Correct article usage
a gradual
show examples
 ascend from less than 6% to 25% in 1940 and 2040, respectively.
In addition
, between 1980 and 2000,
this
 category
overlapping
Wrong verb form
overlapped
show examples
USA’s
Correct article usage
the USA’s
show examples
 proportion, making it
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 the most dominant before
Japan
exceed
Wrong verb form
exceeded
show examples
 them in 2040.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words japan with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradually" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • proportion
  • aged 65 and over
  • depicted
  • population
  • changes
  • span of 100 years
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