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Writing Samples
Band 4

Due to so many young people dropping out of schools, the rate of unemploymentis increasing, and it affects our society in different ways. In your opinion, how can this situation be improved?

#people #schools #rate #unemploymentis #society #situation
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Many young
students
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 drop out of
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schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
, sometimes to earn to support their families and sometimes
due to
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 other reasons, and
this
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 has
a
Correct article usage
apply
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severe
consequence
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consequences
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to
Change preposition
for
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 their future and society. Sometimes those
students
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 are to be blamed, but oftentimes, the system is responsible for it. The state should revise the way it runs
schools
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 and
arranges
Correct subject-verb agreement
arrange
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 re-schooling facilities
while
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 the
school
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authority
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 should provide some paid jobs to needy
students
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 to mend
this
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 situation.
To begin
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 with, many young pupils
leaves
Correct subject-verb agreement
leave
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Use synonyms
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
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 without completing their
education
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 mainly to earn a wage to support their families, and
this
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 is more common in developing countries.
According to
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 a recent report, more than 30% of
students
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 leave
schools
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 in South Asian countries
due to
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 financial
hindrance
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hindrances
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. The government in
such
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 a country should focus on developing the conditions of parents who have
school
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-going offspring.
Education
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 should be free, and some subsidies should be provided to poor
students
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.
Besides
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, the government’s initiatives to create more jobs would
also
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 improve
this
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 situation.
However
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, the greatest step the government can take is
arranging
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to arrange
show examples
 re-schooling facilities for those disarrayed pupils with some incentives and job provisions.
Moreover
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, the
school
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authority
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 should make
education
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 more fun in
school
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 to retain young
students
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.
For instance
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, some Japanese
schools
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 use interactive and fun methods to teach young minds, and
this
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 has increased
students
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’
school
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 attendance dramatically.
Such
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 initiatives should be welcomed and more widely used.
Besides
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, the
school
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authority
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 can arrange some clerical jobs for needy
students
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 to help them continue their studies.
To conclude
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,
education
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 is the most important pillar for the development of a nation and the state and
school
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Use synonyms
authority
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authorities
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 should help
students
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 stay in
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schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 and finish their academic years. Without
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
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an educated nation, crime and unemployment would skyrocket to push society
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 complete chaos.
Submitted by khatrisumeet400 on

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task achievement
Provide a clear introduction that states your opinion on how to improve the situation.
task achievement
Develop your main points with more supporting details and examples.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay with clear logical structure. Use paragraphs to separate ideas.
coherence cohesion
Include a conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your opinion.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to demonstrate lexical resource.
grammatical range accuracy
Revise sentence structures to avoid repetition and improve grammatical range.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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