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Band 4.5

It is a fact that people nowadays are under a lot of pressure and their lives are becoming increasingly stressful. What could be the possible reasons for this? What are some solutions to address this issue?

#fact #people #pressure #lives #address
Recently, the number of
people
 who suffer from depression is increasing and it is obvious that individuals get much
pressure
 and stress.
This
 essay explains that the public gets stressed because of excessive
work
 which doesn'
t
 ensure leisure time
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 workers and competition among
students
 and
youth
Correct article usage
the youth
show examples
 generation.
In addition
, It will answer about how to solve these problems. The problems can be solved by changing
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
 environment and
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 a law for youth. To commence with, nowadays economy plays a crucial role in society.
People
 are trying to get enough money to maintain their lives.
Moreover
, there is a cognition that
wealthy
Correct article usage
a wealthy
show examples
 person is successful and achieving
own's
Change noun form
own
show examples
 field is significant. These made
people
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
do excessive
work
.
For example
, company workers who
work
 for SAMSUNG or APPLE do overtime
work
 and even they don'
t
 have weekends or holidays.
In addition
, competition among
people
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 too high.
Students
are suffer
Change the verb form
are suffering
show examples
 from
obsession
Add an article
an obsession
show examples
 with
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
score
Fix the agreement mistake
scores
show examples
, and young
people
 are afraid of unemployed. To solve these problems, companies and
government
Fix the agreement mistake
governments
show examples
 should engage to try to make a better world. Companies must give enough leisure time to rest to workers.
For example
, many European countries started
Correct article usage
a sytem
show examples
sytem
Correct your spelling
system
 which allows
work
 four days a week
instead
 of five days. It resulted in not only improvement of
work
efficency
Correct your spelling
efficiency
 but
also
lower
Add an article
a lower
show examples
 rate of
pressure
 and stress.
In addition
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 have to fix
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 system which can make
students
 feel less
pressure
,
start
Correct word choice
and start
show examples
 new
bussinesses
Correct your spelling
businesses
 which can help
unemployment
Replace the word
unemployed
show examples
 youth. In conclusion, the
pressure
 and stress is originated from excessive worktime
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and too much competition. So that, it can be
adressed
Correct your spelling
addressed
 by changing company culture and the
government
 systems. Companies should use the policy to ensure free time,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should try to help
students
don'
Verb problem
not
show examples
t
 feel stressed about their accomplishments, and young
people
don'
Verb problem
should not
show examples
t
 feel afraid of unemployment.
Submitted by soyuyu9 on

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task achievement
Provide a clearer thesis statement that outlines the points you will discuss in your essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific reasons and examples to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Add a stronger conclusion that summarizes your main points and offers potential solutions.
grammatical range and accuracy
Use more varied sentence structures to showcase your grammatical range.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your lexical resource.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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