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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is believed that ex-imprisoned individuals are the most appropriate those who talk to the young about the dangers of committing a crime. Personally, I strongly agree with the fact that they are. Because generally these are the only ones who truly livein acriminal situation , but they are
also
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 the only voice teenagers will hear.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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, these people are those who lived through
this
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 kind of situation , and now, they understand what they did wrong.
In other words
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, the time spent in the penitentiary made these people realise the errors they comitted and to some of them it made them want to apologise by becoming good citizens.
For example
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, imagine a criminal who spent ten years in jail and who is now a good citizen and wants to make amends. He will , of course, be more appropriate to talk with the younger generations than a psychologist who did not really live through
this
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 type of situation.
Body paragraph 2
To continue, these individuals are the best to talk about criminal life to younger generations because they are the only voices they will really respect and hear about. Because, normally, the teenagers, in an act of rebellion, do not respect authority.
However
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, when ,
for instance
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, a group of ex-criminals come to talk to them about their experience, they will respect them because
firstly
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 they are impressed knowing the grown-up in front of them has once been a criminal. But
secondly
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, they will hear the speech with attention because some of them will see him represented in one of the speechwriters.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, I personally think that the people who have been in prison are the most appropriate to talk about criminal life to younger generations. Because they really know these kinds of situations , and because they are truly who are respected by the adolescents.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree. To make the answer stronger, explain why former prisoners may be more useful than other speakers, but also say that only people who have changed should speak. This makes your view more fair and complete.
task response
Develop each main point more. In the first body part, show how life in prison can help a speaker give real facts about loss, fear, work, family, and freedom. In the second, explain clearly why young people may listen more to a person with real life experience.
task response
Your example is useful, but it is very general. Add one clear result: for example, the man may tell young people how his crime hurt his family and stopped him from getting work after prison.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, two main parts, and ending. Use more direct topic sentences, such as: “Former prisoners can give real warnings.” Then keep every sentence in that part linked to this one idea.
coherence and cohesion
Do not begin several sentences with “Because”. Join these ideas to the sentence before, or use “This is because”, “As a result”, and “For this reason” to show the link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are repeated, especially “they are the only voices teenagers will hear”. Say the idea once, then add a new reason or example instead of saying it again.
coherence and cohesion
Make unclear parts more exact. For example, “some of them will see him represented in one of the speechwriters” is hard to understand. You could say: “Some young people may see their own problems in his past life.”
task response
You answer the question directly and keep a clear strong view from the start to the end.
task response
You give two relevant reasons: real experience of prison and the chance that young people may listen more closely.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay uses clear paragraphs, and the ending repeats your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For example”, “However”, and “To conclude” help the reader follow the main path of your answer.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prisoners
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • consequences
  • insights
  • deterrent
  • guidance
  • support
  • role models
  • positive change
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