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Band 5.5

Some people think that companies should provide employees with exercise time during the day. What is your opinion about this?

#people #companies #employees #exercise #time
Nowadays,
Well-being
Correct article usage
the Well-being
show examples
 and work-life balance of workers become one of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
significant issues in the workplace.
That is
 the reason why someone says a company should allocate some working
hours
 for
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
 to go
work-out
Correct your spelling
work out
show examples
 during the
day
. Personally, I disagree with that statement and I going to explain what my reasons are.
First,
Working-out
Correct your spelling
working out
show examples
 during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
working
hours
 can make the employee lose their working efficiency during the
day
. Because of
working-out
Correct your spelling
working out
show examples
, it
Add a missing verb
is usaually
show examples
usaually
Correct your spelling
usually
 to be sweated and feel
exhuasted
Correct your spelling
exhausted
, and
undoubtably
Correct your spelling
undoubtedly
show examples
, that
caused
Wrong verb form
causes
show examples
 you to be uncomfortable, smell bad and feel too tired faster than
ususal
Correct your spelling
usual
.
Hence
, it can disturb not only yourself but
also
 your colleagues and your work responsibilities.
Furthermore
, there is not
everyone
 has a passion
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
working-out
Correct your spelling
working out
show examples
. If someone, who would like to
work-out
Correct your spelling
work out
show examples
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
 working
hours
, pauses their work during the
day
 to go work-out, it will affect
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 flow of work to other people who have not
get
Wrong verb form
gotten
show examples
 into exercise.
Moreover
, it will not be fair to
everyone
, if someone can do
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 working
hours
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
 they go to
work-out
Correct your spelling
work out
show examples
 during the
day
, and for sure, you cannot force
everyone
 to have a passion
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
working-out
Correct your spelling
working out
show examples
 too. In summary, I still believe that I disagree
to give
Change preposition
with giving
show examples
 some working
hours
 to employees to
go
Verb problem
work
show examples
working-out
 during the
day
. Because it is not the thing
that is
neccessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 to
everyone
. More than that, it can make them lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working efficiency and
unfair
Add a missing verb
be unfair
show examples
 to other employees who do not get into it. By the way, I still believe that
well-being
Correct article usage
the well-being
show examples
 and work-life balance of employees
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 still
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 important
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 of the business, So, I would like to recommend that
working-out
privillege
Correct your spelling
privilege
 should be a fundamental welfare in the workplace,
For example
, the special fare at
partnership
Add an article
the partnership
a partnership
show examples
 fitness
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 or having a
working-out
 area in the workplace for free.
Submitted by tah.siwakorn on

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coherence cohesion
Make your position on the issue clearer in the introduction.
lexical resource
Avoid using informal language and contractions. Use formal academic language instead.
grammatical range accuracy
Employ a wider range of sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical range and accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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