IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many cities, an increasing number of people do not know their neighbors, and the sense of community is lost. Discuss the causes and give measures to turn it around.

#cities #people #neighbors #sense #community #measures
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Although
 living in the city sounds like a good idea for being in the city centre with lots of places to visit.
However
, it has many drawbacks including the disconnection from your neighbors and the loss of the society identity.
Thus
, I shall be discussing the leading causes and how to overcome them.
Initially
, popular cities
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 known to be the dream of the youth to live in, especially with the growing job opportunities , the feasibility of reaching any governmental facilities and many tourist
sightseeings
Fix the agreement mistake
sightseeing
show examples
.
Consequently
, all of these factors played a pivotal role in changing the lifestyle in the city where most of the residents are in a rush and living their lives on the edge and
this
 is because of many factors; the accommodates at the centre are usually young ones and singles so they don't have the family mindset where they get to know your building partners.
Moreover
, most of them are overwhelmed building their career path and don't have the luxury of space to catch up with other residents.
Accordingly
, I believe that we can enhance the above outcomes by many actions like; building the society and
this
 can be achieved by having
further
 activities available at the same building or compound as
gym
Correct article usage
a gym
show examples
 or pool where the ones living at the building can meet each
others
Change to a singular noun
other
show examples
 and enhance their connectivity.
Furthermore
, working on improving the work-life balance by having reasonable working hours which would eventually
can
Remove a modal verb
apply
show examples
facilitate for the employees to have some personal time. In conclusion, glamorous cities are a dream for career seekers and the youth and with their high-speed lifestyle they don't have the time to meet up and build a neighborhood.
Thus
, we should work on providing the time needed by improving their working day and bringing the company to their doorstep
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 having the facilities needed at their residence.
Submitted by passent_abdelaziz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Organize the essay into paragraphs to improve the coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
grammatical range accuracy
Pay attention to grammar and sentence structure.
coherence cohesion
Develop a stronger introduction and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: