IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that the main goal of schools should be making children into responsible citizens and good workers, rather than benefitting them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #schools #children #citizens #workers #individuals
There is no denying the fact that
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
show examples
system
 is so crucial for any
countiry
Correct your spelling
country
.
While
 it is commonly held belief that
school
 should train young
students
 to be
well-beeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
, there
also
 an argument
opposesing
Correct your spelling
opposing
opposes
 it. In my opinion, I consider that the benefit of
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 educational
system
 will lead to a better society in the future.
To begin
 with, schools are the first place that any kid
gose
Correct your spelling
goes
 to. And start to recognize himself and others,
such
 as his personality, needs, and
hoppies
Correct your spelling
hippies
hopes
hoppers
.
In other words
, kids spend the majority of their time at
school
 with different kinds of teachers and
vast
Change the article
a vast
the vast
show examples
 number of other
students
.
Therefore
, whatever
happened
Wrong verb form
happens
show examples
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 is
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 them directly.
For example
, In some
countiries
Correct your spelling
countries
 like
korea
Change the capitalization
Korea
show examples
 and Japan,
students
 have a lot of things to do after
school
-day, dance,
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
, and
perpering
Correct your spelling
preparing
 for exams.
Thus
, they spent more than 7 hours
per-day
Correct your spelling
per day
show examples
.
Anther
Correct your spelling
Another
show examples
 point to consider, educational
atitutions
Correct your spelling
institutions
 made it very
clearly
Change the word
clear
show examples
 for teachers to provide beneficial and suitable
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 for each one of their
students
.And give them good examples to be
heart-kindness
Replace the word
heart-kind
show examples
 and loyal workers.
Moreover
,
child
Correct article usage
the child
show examples
see
Change the verb form
sees
show examples
 his teachers as a parent at
school
 so he ask for help and for
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 when he
needs
Correct pronoun usage
needs it
show examples
,
This
 should be taken seriously
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 them,
thus
, they do not just have the trust
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 kids and families but
also
 the
countiry's
Correct your spelling
country's
 leaders.
Moreover
, the educational
system
 gave them
multible
Correct your spelling
multiple
 ways to deal with student's issues in or out the
school
. And
for instance
, a lot of parents ask for advice from their kid's
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
cause
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 they know that they have the knowledge and experience to help them. In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that we could not build a healthy community without a huge support from
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
system
.
Submitted by rayan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: