IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

some people think that museums should be enjoulyable places to entertain people. while pthers believe that the purpose of museum is to educate people. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #museums #enjoulyable #places #pthers #purpose #museum
A section of
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 believes that
gallery
Fix the agreement mistake
galleries
show examples
 should be used for
entertaining
Replace the word
entertainment
show examples
 purposes.
However
, others argue that
depository
Correct article usage
a depository
show examples
 is better if it is used for educational purposes. Both the arguments need
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
proper scrutiny before forming an opinion and I would like to explicate in the paragraphs to come. The advocates of
first
Change the article
the first
show examples
 view deem that
museums
 are a good way to entertain
people
. Past portraits and drawings are a source of attraction which
gather
Correct subject-verb agreement
gathers
show examples
 a lot of
people
 from every corner of the world.
Public
Add an article
The public
show examples
love
Correct subject-verb agreement
loves
show examples
 to visit these old buildings to spend some recreational period.
Moreover
, the visual graphics add more taste
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the entertainment which
mostly
Correct your spelling
most
show examples
people
 prefer to watch as they visualize a lot of information in a less span of time.
University
Correct article usage
The University
show examples
 of Britain,
for example
, states that
people
 get attracted to those places twice where visual and audio for the place
runs
Wrong verb form
run
show examples
 together
instead
 of just information about the subject
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
provided. Other
people
 argue that
museums
 are
proved
Verb problem
apply
show examples
beneficial if they are used for educational purposes.
Museums
 are helpful in
broaden
Change the verb form
broadening
show examples
 the horizon of the person.
Due to
 the upgrading of the
museums
 by installing
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
show examples
 technologies in them, most of the schools organize trips to the
museums
 in order
tocollect infomation
Correct your spelling
to collect information
 about the past, a number of
vistors
Correct your spelling
visitors
 come to visit these buildings to complete projects and
know
Verb problem
learn
show examples
 about other cultures and past activities. Considering that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
museums
 play significant roles in connecting different localities by educating more and more
people
. In the end, both views have their own strong points and one argument cannot overpower the
another
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
 one. Visual graphics are imperative in entertaining folks and provide relaxation to their minds ,
whereas
 information
revealing
Wrong verb form
revealed
show examples
 in those videos helps in gaining knowledge about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
past incidents.
Submitted by MANPREET130KAUR on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion could be improved for better clarity and coherence.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and details to support your ideas.
lexical resource
Use more varied vocabulary to enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range accuracy
Ensure proper sentence structure and grammar for better understanding.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!