There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work

There has been a debate on excluding physical

education

and cookery from the syllabus to concentrate on academics only. I firmly believe the statement and agree to ease

down

Change preposition

apply

show examples

the pressure on

students

by not adding these

subjects

that do not produce substantial outcomes in

your

Correct pronoun usage

their

show examples

academics. It is important to understand the importance of physical

education

and cookery could benefit

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

certain individuals based on

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

interest level.

For example

, if the student is planning to pursue

his

Change the word

show examples

career in accounting or healthcare

then

there is no need to learn

subjects

that would not add value in future. It is just

the

Correct article usage

show examples

matter of adding the extra pressure and diverting the focus on those

subjects

However

, they would eventually compromise their studies and

as a

result

Add a comma

result,

show examples

they

will

Wrong verb form

would

show examples

be behind

to achieve

Change preposition

in achieving

show examples

the desired score. It

Change the verb form

also needs

show examples

also

need to understand that achieving the real outcomes in exams is not the ultimate goal. Understanding and gaining the knowledge would help them to land a position where

students

can excel and benefit the company they are working for. To cater

this

Change preposition

for this

show examples

dilemma,

education

Add an article

the education

show examples

system must keep these two

subjects

optional for

students

and let them decide whether a student

Correct subject-verb agreement

are

show examples

interested

to opt

Verb problem

show examples

the subject or not.

To conclude

my essay, I have

a strong sentiments

Correct the article-noun agreement

a strong sentiment

strong sentiments

show examples

and stand in support of removing physical

education

and cookery

subjects

from the syllabus or at least

leave

Wrong verb form

leaving

show examples

this

choice

Change preposition

show examples

students

to ease the pressure of

acedemics

Correct your spelling

academics

on them.

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Fully explain your ideas

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Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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7Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
18Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

246 words

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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