IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays in many countries women have full time job. Therefore, it is logical to share household tasks evenly between men and women. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Nowadays, in some countries, there is a proliferation of discussions about career
women
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 who have full-time jobs.
Hence
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, the married couple should divide their homework. I personally do not entirely agree with
this
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, and I will explain why.
Firstly
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, it is undeniable that the wife who has overwork in the outside house
,
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apply
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will impact taking care of children. One reason for
this
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 is that many studies showed that juvenile delinquency is caused by a lack of attention from their parents, especially their mother.
For example
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, the increasing level of using drugs and pregnancy without marriage among teenagers in Jakarta is the impact of the shortage of care from mothers.
As a result
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, the role of the mother in the home is very important for children's development.
Secondly
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, another significant factor is that the high number of divorces is triggered by the failure of the role division between husband and wife. One reason for
this
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 is that, typically, when the wife has a higher position than their husband, it could generate problems in their wedding because the woman feels more power than the men in the household.
For instance
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, as is the Asian Rich film, mentions the story of the richest people in Singapore. In
this
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 film, there is a wealthy woman who marries with not a prosperous man
,
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 and ends with separation.
Consequently
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, the career of
women
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 can weaken the family bond.
To conclude
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, I strongly disagree with
women
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 having full-time jobs. It is based on what has been discussed above, the working
women
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 can destroy the wedding.
Therefore
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, it is recommended that the mother should more focus on managing homework than being busy in the outside house.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic and is well-organized. However, to achieve a higher score, it's important to address counterarguments and provide a balanced view. This indicates that you have considered various perspectives, not just one side of the issue.
task achievement
Some of your ideas could be expanded and supported more thoroughly. For instance, the connection between a mother working full-time and juvenile delinquency can be elaborated with more evidence or examples to make the argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs generally follow a logical structure, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader more effectively through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph sticks to one main idea and explore that idea fully. This makes your argument clearer and helps maintain a cohesive structure throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument effectively.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your main points, which strengthens your task response.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Gender equality
  • Fairness
  • Household tasks
  • Work-life balance
  • Stress reduction
  • Quality time
  • Career advancement
  • Domestic duties
  • Role modeling
  • Shared responsibility
  • Practicality
  • Modern society
  • Equity
  • Unfairly burdened
  • Positive example
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