IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Virtual reality be used as a tool for therapeutic interventions and mental health treatments. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#reality #tool #interventions #health #treatments
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The increase
of
Change preposition
in
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 technology development has
give
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given
show examples
 us the opportunity
of using
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to use
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 new tools in order to replace human
work
Use synonyms
, some of these applications include medicine like therapeutic interventions and mental health treatment.
However
Linking Words
, though implementing technology
such
Linking Words
 as virtual reality can help us to make
the
Correct article usage
apply
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work
Use synonyms
 easier and faster, I think that
this
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 is not always
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, there is some
work
Use synonyms
 that
people
Use synonyms
 do every day that can be easily replaced by some
machines
Use synonyms
. I agree with
this
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 only if the
work
Use synonyms
 is tedious and hard for humans, so
then
Linking Words
 they won't have to do it. In some factories especially the ones dedicated to
construct
Change the verb form
constructing
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 things like cars
for example
Linking Words
 Tesla most of the
work
Use synonyms
 is done by
machines
Use synonyms
 because is faster,
while
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 only have to supervise them and make sure everything is in order. In these cases, the
machines
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takes
Change the verb form
take
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 all the hard
work
Use synonyms
 so that
people
Use synonyms
 won't have to do it, it is beneficial for both companies and society.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
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 of jobs that can not be replaced easily by technologies
such
Linking Words
 as virtual reality because, in my opinion, it's better for a human to do it. These
type
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types
show examples
 of works include the ones that can put in risk
people
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's lives,
for example
Linking Words
, everything related
with
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to
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 medical procedures
sucha
Correct your spelling
such
 as brain surgeries or something less complicated like therapy. I don't believe technology is advanced enough to replace
instantly
Rephrase
apply
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these jobs,
Linking Words
besides
Correct word choice
apply
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I think
human
Correct article usage
the human
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 touch is always necessary to going through these medical
process
Fix the agreement mistake
processes
show examples
 and they can be more careful and aware of their commitment
with
Change preposition
to
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 the
pacient's
Correct your spelling
patient's
 life. Nowadays some
work
Use synonyms
made
Verb problem
done
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 by humans has been replaced
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
machines
Use synonyms
, but I think
this
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 is only
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 when
the
Correct article usage
apply
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anyone's life is put
in
Change preposition
at
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 risk. Even though
machines
Use synonyms
 can get into the medical field, these should only be used as a tool for help
but
Correct word choice
apply
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not to replace the doctor's
work
Use synonyms
 completely.
Submitted by dannie.sanval on

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task achievement
Make sure to fully address all parts of the prompt in your response.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing a clearer and more concise introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to support your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • immersive environments
  • anxiety
  • PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
  • phobia
  • exposure therapy
  • controlled setting
  • desensitization
  • social anxiety
  • stress reduction
  • real-time monitoring
  • therapeutic interventions
  • mental health treatments
  • digital divide
  • accessibility
  • cost-effectiveness
  • innovative solutions
  • face-to-face interactions
  • traditional therapeutic settings
  • gradual confrontation
  • calming environments
What to do next:
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