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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Despite health warnings, a large number of people continue to smoke all over the world. Why should we be concerned about this? What solutions could you suggest?

#health #warnings #people #smoke #world
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of masses around the globe keep on smoking regardless of the continuous health
advisory
Fix the agreement mistake
advisories
show examples
 being given to
smokers
.
This
 essay shall delve deeper to discuss the reasons to be concerned about
this
 plight and draw some remedies to curb
this
 issue.
To begin
,
people
 are bothered by
this
 unprecedented habit of
smokers
Replace the word
smoking
show examples
 because it is leading society to a dark phase. To elaborate
further
,
people
smoke
Wrong verb form
smoking
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public
places
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
affects
Change the verb form
affect
show examples
 others in two ways;
first,
it impacts the health of passive
smokers
. A report from WHO,
for example
, has revealed that being in the same room or closed environment with
smokers
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 the risk of lung cancer in
non-
Correct your spelling
non-smokers
show examples
smokers
 by 50% and in
open
Add an article
an open
show examples
 environment it increases the risk by 20%.
Hence
, passive smoking can be deadly for all of us.
Second,
it allures others to indulge in the same habit of smoking. As, most of the youngsters start smoking just to look cool by seeing others
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
do so. Moving towards
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
solutions, there are many steps
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been taken by states
over
Rephrase
all over
show examples
 the world to mitigate
this
 problem
however
 results have not been very progressive.
Albeit
Correct word choice
This
show examples
this
 essay shares the same point of view as
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the prime minister of the UK, Rishi Sunak,
that is
 to increase
prices
Correct article usage
the prices
show examples
 of cigarettes by 1 pound each year and slowly and gradually most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 would not be able to afford it.
Moreover
, governments have played a hypocrite in
this
 matter at
front
Add an article
the front
show examples
 they seem to be condemning
this
 habit, but they have made smoke
room
Fix the agreement mistake
rooms
show examples
 in all the public
places
such
 as airports, metro stations and many more. So,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should take a firm stance and prohibit smoking completely
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public
places
.
To conclude
, smoking is hazardous not only for
smokers
 but
also
 for
people
 around them and for the coming generations
hence
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 must take some strict actions to ban smoking
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public
places
 and raise the prices to make it something out of the league for most
people
.
Submitted by sushainpahwa007 on

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coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas more clearly. Use paragraphs to structure your essay.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Addiction
  • Cardiovascular disease
  • Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD)
  • Nicotine
  • Public health initiative
  • Secondhand smoke
  • Substance abuse
  • Tobacco cessation
  • Environmental degradation
  • Social norms
  • Healthcare burden
  • Preventive measures
What to do next:
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